The Revolving Door

Sometimes I feel like my “dating” life is a revolving door. Only it’s hardly a dating life as it mostly involves chatting with guys for a few days on various websites and then they either ghost me or I lose interest or they piss me off or it just goes nowhere and it’s over before it even starts. I’ve had exactly 1 date in 4 months and that was a short meet and greet at Subway for a takeaway flat flavored water and the guy was kind of a jerk. It was clear after talking to him for about half an hour that all he was interested in was someone to cook him the occasional meal and get his rocks off about once a week and that is not at all what I am looking for. He made it clear it would pain him to even take me out to dinner, but he probably could manage it if I insisted. He called me a couple of hours later, claiming he couldn’t get me off his mind and wanted me to drive to his place in the dark to a town I’d never been to, to be with him, which I politely declined. When asked if I felt a spark between us, I hedged and said I didn’t know and would need a second longer meeting under better circumstances to find out. He must have said that “he was not usually such a gentleman” 5 or 6 times during our conversations. I’d hate to see how he treated other women then. I gave it some thought for a day or so then sent a polite text saying that I thought we wanted different things in a relationship and that he was off the hook for a dinner and wished him good luck in his dating search. He sent me back a thumbs up in reply. Apparently, not too broken-hearted then.

Lessons Learned

I joined a new website called Woo Plus. It is a site designed specifically for those who are what are known as “plus” sized or for those who want to find larger sized mates. I thought that sounded like it might be a good place for me as sites like Match.com and Zoosk seemed to be filled with guys my age who are looking for gals who are fitness buffs fighting growing old with every resource at hand and ready to take on Mt Fuji next year. Definitely, not me. One of the first local guys I took a chance connecting with had some weird details on his profile that I was sure weren’t correct, but I decided to take a chance because he was cute and we started chatting. He was very open and honest and came clean about not liking to fill out the forms. I think I talked about him on a previous blog. Well, I did something that I have done many times before. I did what I call “future tripping”. This guy was only 39 and I looked down the road and thought, jeez, I’m almost 64, what guy who is that age is gonna want to be saddled with a woman my age in a few years who will be 70 when he is in his 40s? And then I said that to him. He said fair enough and then said, but I think we would still have a good time and a good conversation, so how about a date? And I said I would love to go out with you. And then although he asked when I would be available, and we kept chatting after that, he quickly cooled off until he quit talking to me at all and I haven’t heard from him since. So, Lesson Learned!! Quit Future Tripping!! I might not have had a long future with this guy, but I might have had a nice time with him for who knows how long. Why did I put the stoppers on it without even trying? He was obviously interested knowing how old I was, so why did I do that? Why did I have to be so damn practical? What stopped me from taking a chance? So, in the future, if that happens again, I won’t be so quick to put a damper on it if the guy seems really nice and open and honest and sweet. Give it a chance and see where it goes. It might be fun for awhile and I might enjoy it.

Lessons Learned 2

Okay, I’m still a work in progress on this one. I have a real problem with overkill. When I am chatting with someone and we get to the point where it seems like we are both interested I never know how much is too much and when to back off and let them do the work. I tend to freak out if I don’t hear from them and then I either lose my temper or I say something stupid or I end up acting or sounding too needy and I scare them off. It’s fear-based and I know that. It’s anxiety based; it’s controlling behavior; it’s a need to know what it going on in the other person’s mind. It is because I over analyze the whole situation mostly. And then I get myself in a tizzy and then I overreact. And then I blow it. So, I am trying to not do that ANYMORE!!! Because I don’t want to keep blowing it especially when I find someone I think I want to develop into something possibly good. I have to learn to sit back and talk to myself about it when these feelings of anxiety start to take over and let myself know that this is what is going on and not to let it take over and make me do something I will regret late and not be able to take back. Texting is the worst!! Once you have hit that send button you cannot take it back!!! So, just don’t do it. Phone a friend, text a friend, but don’t text that person you want to keep having a relationship with in your future when you are feeling anxious (I’m telling this to myself and any of my readers that are like me). Luckily for me, when I did this recently, the person laughed it off and told me not to be silly, he was still very interested in me. I haven’t heard from him all day, and it’s driving me nuts, so I am writing this blog for distraction! I know he is interested, so I just have to let it go, right? Right? RIGHT!!!!!

***So, I’m adding to this blog maybe a week and a half later (want to talk about revolving doors!!) and yeah, things went sideways with that guy too. I sent some pictures to him of myself and somehow some pictures of another guy got added in by mistake and I don’t know if that put him off or what, but within a day, he quit texting and I was trying to wait it out and I waited and waited and no response, so, yeah, that ended pretty quickly too.

****Today, I was reading a post on a women’s group from a woman who is experiencing some of the same stuff as I am when dating men (only she is actually getting real dates!). She is getting what other women described as being love bombed, (which can be a sign you are being targeted by a narcissist, ugly red flag there!) which is a guy who comes on really strong and says he loves you within a week of meeting you and then in her case, runs away scared of commitment the following week. But what I found interesting in the comments was some talk about different attachment issues surrounding codependency. I know I have some remaining issues with that (see anxiety issues above) and one woman talked about those and one of the responses she mentioned was neediness and victimization. Boy! Did that strike a chord in my soul! Yep! That hit home with me. That was exactly what I was doing. Being too needy when the relationship wasn’t at a stage where I should be feeling that amount of anxiety about not hearing back from someone I hadn’t even met yet. Bam! Hit me right between the eyes! Guess I’m not as far advanced along as I thought I was.

Another fella that I started chatting with on Woo Plus started out fine and was actually local but he just didn’t seem to have much time as he has a small business he is trying to get expanded. But we would chat every day or so and keep in touch. But the weekend would come and no offer of a date and I thought that was strange as the whole purpose of being on a dating website is to date, n’est-ce pas? And I told him when my birthday was and he didn’t even bother to say happy birthday that day, which I thought a bit rude. Then today, since it had been about 3 days since I had heard from him, I thought I would just send a Happy Saturday text and my phone said my message had been blocked. Say What??!! Now why would he block me? I had done nothing to deserve that. If you are no longer interested or just don’t have the time, then just freaking say so!! What an asshole! So, I got on the website and sent him a message and told him off. He probably is too chickenshit to read it. Why do men treat women so poorly these days?

So the door continues to revolve and I continue to learn lessons about not being too needy and being glad that I never told that blocking bastard what my name was or that I ever gave him my real phone number. I obviously am still a work in progress and I’m talking to someone I hope will work out, but I am still waiting for the bomb to drop on this one too, but hey, after all, this is my personal soap opera you are all reading and I am obviously a revolving door for men to come in and go right back out of without missing a step. I’ll let you know how this one turns out on the next episode of “The Revolving Door”.