Dating in this era and at this age for women over 60 is hard. We are reliant mostly on the use of technology and internet dating to try and find a date or a mate. This site provides my insights into the murky and troubled waters of internet dating for women over 60 from my perspective as a straight, heterosexual, 66 yo, white woman.
These are the wise words from Alethea Crimmons, a Tik Tok motivational speaker. As she reminded me, I am worth more than just someone who just takes scraps, someone who just settles for someone who wants to be with you only when it is convenient for them. If you cut them off, know it is they gave you the scissors. You are worth more than you were settling for.
For several years now, I have been tied up in knots, wanting to get back with this man that I broke off with twice because of the very things I mention above. Even though he claimed once to love me and I thought I loved him, the only time we got together was at his convenience, usually once a week. I never got any notice ahead of time either. It was just a text at around 7:30 on a Friday or Saturday night indicating he wanted me to come over and I would come a’runnin’.
We were very intimate and we had similar histories with long-term relationships that I thought bonded us. Yet, I got very tired of only hearing from him when it was time to have intimate relations. He made it clear from the outset that he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend, so I tried my damndest not to fall in love with him, but like most women, my emotions got involved along with my body. And I liked him. He was everything I thought I was looking for, smart, handsome, educated, had a good job, a nice house, no kids, was good and attentive in bed. He just refused to have a full blown relationship that I craved.
So after we’d been seeing each other for about 6 months and things seemed to be cooling, I got mad like I usually do and instead of actually talking things through, I broke it off because all I got from his was that he need “me time” and wanted to be alone.
But a couple of months later, I found myself crawling back because I missed him and we were back to the same old thing because I still wasn’t emotionally mature enough to talk to him about it and he, being an avoidant type of personality, surely wasn’t going to bring it up either. So things go on for about 5 more months the same ways until I start feeling about the same way again. Things had changed a bit; I thought we were getting closer as now he had come to my house once, so I thought that meant I could extend invitations as well. Well, when I did, I got rejected and I admit, I didn’t take it well. I read things completely wrong and instead of saying see you later and waiting to talk in person about what was really bothering me, I blew him off in a text message.
Well, I sent his several messages after that trying to explain what I was thinking and feeling. I should have just gone over there and forced a face-to-face meeting. But I was too chicken. None of my messages seemed to make a difference. When I asked to come over about a month later, he told me he was seeing someone. That about crushed me.
Now it’s been three years. I shop at his local neighborhood grocery store because that is my closest pharmacy and I still hope I run into him just “by accident” some day. I have the feeling if he ever sees me first, he will run the other way and avoid me. Every so often I send him a text message, the last one being a Merry Christmas.
But the motivational message put out by Alethea really hit me as to what I had allowed to go on for a year and then continue to happen to me for the following three years. Hold him up as a much better man than he really was. Instead of being a potential lover that I hoped he would turn into, he used me to scratch his itch once a week and if it wasn’t that strong that week, then maybe the next week. If he was depressed, he could live without me. Otherwise, he could replace me. In the long run, I didn’t mean that much to him other than someone to occasionally warm his bed. We had a nice thing going, but he wasn’t going to change his mind and suddenly make me the love of his life like I dreamed. I need to let him go once and for all. I am better than a dog waiting for scraps from dinner. I have way more value than that. I am a beautiful strong capable woman who has a lot to offer a good man who can see my value and treasure me. And he isn’t that man and never will be. And even if I had gotten to talk to him in person and tell him all my grievances, it wouldn’t have changed a thing.
So, recently I talked to a fella online from Facebook dating and then by text messaging. He was very forthcoming with a lot of details, such as how he met his former wife, moved to Australia where she was from, raised his son on his own, and so on. But when I pressed him for details about what kind of job he was doing now, I couldn’t get a straight answer.
He mentioned he had been a long haul truck driver prior to moving to Australia and had done that as well when he moved there. But he wasn’t able to continue that work here even though he applied for his license on return because of a lapse in his work history.
I thought to myself, what kind of lapse in his work history? If he had been employed doing the same kind of work overseas, wouldn’t that count? Or do they not accept it if it is out of country? Then I became concerned and thought, maybe he had been incarcerated. I decided to investigate that, just in case. The only data base I could use that didn’t cost money was the Kansas Department of Corrections one. I didn’t get a hit when I entered his name, so I felt better after that.
Then one day he tells me that he has had 20+ years of managing his bi-polar diagnoses (he had told me earlier that his mother had the same illness but was undiagnosed and was hell to live with growing up and he was the target of most of her outbursts). While I am very sympathetic to anyone who has a mental health diagnoses, I have my own issues to deal with and don’t need someone else’s to worry about. And that is a very tough one to handle. Since I have no idea how this person manages it, and there were other red flags I had detected along the way, I decided, after talking to a couple of people and listening to my gut, that I would tell him that I didn’t think we were a good match and wish him the best of luck.
So, I sent him the message and he responded with one that said I had decided I didn’t think he was good enough for me, but that he thought I was a kind and decent person and he guessed he wished me good luck too.
I gave it a few days, then I blocked him of Facebook and the dating site because I honestly didn’t want him seeing my photos to anything I might post to Facebook. Then a couple of weeks later, I am on the dating site and his new profile appears and on his profile he discloses that he is homeless!!!! Boy did I ever dodge a bullet there and so glad that I listened to my instincts and my gut telling me that this guy was hiding something major. So, ladies, when something inside of you is telling you to run—-listen to it and run!!!
So this last go round, I chatted for a long time with a guy on Facebook dating. We were aligned politically and religiously, so no problems there. He seemed very cautious about taking the time to get to know each other before we got off the site and exchanged phone numbers. And even after that, it was a while before we decided to meet up for a date. But I noticed that he kept dropping what I called information “bombs”.
These “bombs” were about his former wives and his health. Now, at this age, we all come with some baggage in the emotional department and some health issues. But this dude had more than his fair share of both. So, even though I liked him personally, I was a little leery of his background with his ex-wives and the emotional damage they had caused him, his reluctance to seek therapy related to that damage, and his somewhat severe health problems (and who knows what he hadn’t told me about yet?).
By this time, several months had passed and we had met a couple of times. We met for dinner and hung out for a few hours the first time, and the second time went out on some country roads to try and catch the northern lights, which never reappeared. We tried to settle on a third date to go out for barbeque but he kept feeling ill. Then he came up with the idea of a day trip to see some local geological scenery and we agreed on a date and time. This time I felt ill the day before and decided to cancel that night. I texted and said that I didn’t feel well and wasn’t sure that I was up for a day trip where I would be in a car all day long with little access to restrooms. He said that was fine and he understood. But then he made a remark that he thought I didn’t want to go because I was “nervous”. I said no, I thought it was because of the foods I had been eating or maybe the medication I was taking was disagreeing with me. Then we both agreed we needed to work on getting healthier and we would try it another time in the future.
So, the next day rolls around and I do the usual and don’t get up until very late. There’s no text from him. I go about my day and don’t hear from him. He doesn’t check to see how I am feeling, which I thought was odd and not very thoughtful. The day goes by and still I don’t hear from him. Then the next day goes by and I’m thinking…is this a game? Is he waiting for me to contact him? Because if he is, he’s got a long wait coming because to be honest, I’m not sure I care that much if I hear from again with all the problems he seems to have. I wouldn’t have minded being friends with him but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be anything more than that with him but I hadn’t decided yet. But I guess that decision had been taken from me as the days went by and still no word from him.
Still it was hurtful to be ghosted and dumped for no reason when all I had done was say I wasn’t feeling well and wanted to postpone a day trip until another time. He was the one who had canceled several times because he had been having some major health issues the week before that were serious enough he thought he might need to go to the ER. In a way, it was a relief, but can’t we think of better ways at the age of 60+ to deal with ending a beginning relationship than to just ghost someone? Or is that just how it is going to be? We’ll all just act juvenile, like teenagers, because it is easier than saying “I don’t think this is going to work out; have a nice life”?
Now, I know I have taken the easy way out too, blocked someone who has been rude to me, taken things too far too fast, ghosted others as well. But I do think as human beings over the age of 60 we should be able to come up with a better way of saying that this isn’t going to work for me and I wish you the best. It would be better than saying nothing at all and leaving that person wondering what the hell they did to deserve that kind of treatment
Every time that I don’t have a new man or men on the dating sites to flirt with, I always seem to revert back to thinking about the one man in my life that I felt the happiest with during the past 5 years. But I question myself about why that is. The relationship, frankly, was a sexual one, and while that was the best sex I probably had ever had in my life, it wasn’t satisfying enough to keep the relationship going. I wanted more from this man than what he was willing to offer me. So, why am I still fixated on him after all this time? Why do I keep returning to thoughts of him even though it wasn’t a fulfilling relationship?
I have analyzed this relationship backwards and forwards, upside down and sideways, top to bottom. I always thought we had what in psychology terms is called a trauma bond. But I realize that I misunderstood the meaning of that term. I thought that because we had both experienced trauma from previous relationships with addicts, that we had bonded over that experience and had a connection over that. I just looked it up and the meaning is that a bond is formed between the abuser and the person being abused through the exploitation of an emotional connection. And maybe that is what happened here…but was it conscious or unconscious on his part? That is the big question. I truly hate to think he was that evil or conniving.
A person who is susceptible to trauma bonding is more likely to become addicted to whatever that person is offering (sex) because she is suffering from feelings of low self-esteem, depression, and powerlessness and maybe self-hatred (Schwartz & Masters, 1994). She becomes addicted to the high that she gets from the sex and attention she gets from the person during the time spent together. But then comes the let down after. And all those feelings of inadequacy come back. And I suddenly remember the times I have been told he doesn’t want a girlfriend, even though I get mixed signals from him and I am left feeling confused, wanting more.
Now, when I look at the seven stages above, I don’t think that I was completely trauma bonded. I wasn’t love bombed by him. He couldn’t be bothered to spend that much time on me. But I did get hooked on him pretty fast anyway. He never criticized or devalued me. The gaslighting, if it occurred, was pretty minimal. I guess I’d like to think he felt those things in the moment, but when confronted by them later, didn’t want to admit to those feelings. I do admit to some loss of self and feeling addicted to him. I wanted more. He would only give me a short amount of time every week if I was lucky and I wanted a lot more than that from him. He was able to put me in a box and say this is where you stay and I will take you out and play with you at this time and then back you go until next time. Meanwhile, I was over here wanting to take him out of the box and play all the time. I’m just not sure the trauma bonding that occurred was intentional on his part, but it happened just the same. I fought against it and I’m still fighting it.
So, then I wonder, was I gaslighted? Two months into the relationship, the guy tells me he loves me – oh not in a marriage sort of way – but in a we really connect sort of way. I find myself later staring into the bathroom mirror wondering what the hell just happened to Mr. I want this to just be casual? Four months later he becomes non-responsive and I flip out and break things off with him when he wants “me time” and this is all with no warning whatsoever. Things were fine one week and then no contact for several weeks with no explanation.
Who is more likely to be a victim of gaslighting? According to an article by Akdeniz & Cihan (p. 10, 2024), those who have a “history of emotional abuse, trauma, low self-esteem, and depression, ” will be likely to be exploited or manipulated. But if a person has good social support, it goes a long way towards helping the person get a better perspective on the situation and getting help.
Anyway to jump ahead, we got back together for another attempt a couple months later and it was the same push me pull you story with him feeding me lines that made me think there was more feeling on his side that maybe there was. I never responded in kind, because I was afraid to ask. What does that tell you? And if I did bring it up? “I don’t remember saying that; I’m sorry”. Like saying the “G” word during sex. No, I’m not looking for a girlfriend. Well what the hell am I to you? But again, I’m afraid to ask. Don’t rock the boat.
The more I write this out, the more I realize that my fears are realized and I was the victim of emotional abuse. The reason I broke it off twice was that I hated not having any control over when I saw this guy and had contact with him. He set the times we saw each other and it was always on his terms. When I tried to initiate contact, most of the time I got politely turned down and it really stung. The rest of the time, I was sitting around waiting for him to contact me and I hated that. It made me feel like an unpaid whore, only I got paid in plenty of pleasure. I was the addict, waiting to get my fix.
Again, was this conscious on his part? Did he know what he was doing the entire time? Was he really that big of an asshole? Was I really that naive? And the saddest part of the story is that I have continued to chase this man even though it has been several years and I still hope to run into him serendipitously one day, get my chance to talk to him and either get the closure I need, or the imaginary ending I want. OMFG!!! I am one sick puppy!! Just writing this out for you and for myself is making me realize that looking at that relationship as one of the best I’ve had in the past 5 years is pathetic and sad and makes me realize that I still have a lot of work to do on myself yet when it comes to relationships with men.
But at least I am aware now and can work harder to break that addiction and to break my horrible patterns. I have learned to speak up for myself better over the past few years and no longer put up with behavior that is controlling and manipulative – or at least I try not to. I’ve come a long way, Baby.
Schwartz, M. F., & Masters, W. H. (1994). Integration of Trauma- Based, Cognitive, Behavioral, Systemic and Addiction Approaches for Treatment of Hypersexual Pair- Bonding Disorder. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 1(1), 57–76. https://doi.org/10.1080/10720169408400028
So, recently, my life has changed in a number of ways. One of my part-time jobs has ended and my teaching job is not taking up much of my time at the moment. I also moved from the country into a small apartment in the town where I grew up going to school as a child. It’s a lot warmer and safer in all respects, but I do miss the country and hearing the owls hoot at night, but not freezing my ass off when the temperatures drop into the single digits or below zero. Thank the goddess, I had invested in an electric blanket before winter hit. I also, reluctantly, started up online dating again as well as going to a few public events with the singles groups I have joined locally.
I finally went on a date a week or so ago. Against what I preferred, the man lived a couple of hours away, but he seemed eager to meet up, so I thought, why not give it a chance and see. The more I talked to him, the more uncertain I became. We would make a plan and then the next time we talked, he would backtrack and change the plan to something different. I would find myself agreeing and then after I got off the phone, feel like I had been somewhat bulldozed and have to send him a text and say, wait a minute…I don’t think I agree with this. And then we would start all over again. We finally ended up with the original plan of the man coming to meet near my home town for my comfort (and he still tried to change the venue on the way here). We met at the agreed upon location only to discover that the bar’s fryer was on the fritz, so no food was to be had, so he had picked another location. I followed him there and we went in to sit down and talk.
We ordered drinks and some nachos and talked for maybe an hour and a half and seemed to be hitting it off fairly well. He was very complimentary. One thing that bothered me though, was that he would not directly answer what he did for a living. I got a partial answer, but not a full one, like he had something to hide. But I did ask him at one point how he saw things going if we went ahead and tried to have a relationship seeing as how his life was in his town and mine was here with my friends and family. He saw no problem with me coming to his place for a few days a week, with my work being flexible and off-site, while he was more tied to his job on location and he had a house all paid for. He could tell I wasn’t all that fond of the idea on a long-term basis. And his response was a bit too passive-aggressive for my taste.
He seemed eager to hit the road, like getting back to his place by 9 on a Saturday night was important. The restaurant wasn’t busy and I wondered why we couldn’t sit and talk longer. In the end, I broke my cardinal rule and ended up inviting him back to my place. I won’t go into details, but just let me say that the things that I saw in his character before that had me a little concerned showed up in spades after that. As time went on, I became less and less impressed and by the time he left, I knew I did not want to continue the relationship any further, especially when it involved long distance.
I didn’t hear from him for about 18 hours after he left (he was supposed to call and tell me he arrived safely). I didn’t pick up. He called again a few hours later and I didn’t pick that up either. I know it wasn’t very mature, but I was mad for a couple of reasons, again, I will spare you the details. After talking to a couple of trusted people, I decided telling him off for those reasons was a waste of energy and he would get the hint that I didn’t care to continue the relationship when I didn’t answer his calls. Not my finest moment in the history of internet dating, but there you go. Another lesson learned. One I hope I take to heart this time.
Now, I’m talking to three new guys who seem to be fairly decent and are local. They aren’t bum-rushing me like the last dude. With every encounter, I learn something new about myself and the world of dating. And I’m damn lucky that my risky behavior hasn’t gotten me into a lot worse trouble than it has so far.
I know, I’ve been missing in action for a long time. I got busy and frankly, the world of internet dating just sucks and I’ve pretty much given up on it. Let me tell you about my last experience with it and why I have hidden my profile on the two free sites I still have currently (Plenty of Fish (POF) and FaceBook (FB).
I started chatting to a guy back several months ago who lived in a town just over the border in Oklahoma about an hour and a half drive away from me. He was a couple of years older, still working, but thinking of retiring within the year. His story was that he came to America from Cuba with his father when he was around 6 but grew up mostly in Texas with an uncle. My spidey senses tingled mildly from the very beginning with things that he said, but I continued talking to him just to see what he had to say.
I finally got him to agree to speak to me on the phone because we were talking about meeting up and there was no way that was happening without me hearing his voice and hopefully also video chatting on the phone. Now, I’m an anthropologist and somewhat of a linguist who has been exposed to a lot of accents throughout my life. Someone who has been brought up in the states since he was 6 would sound very American, even with Spanish speaking parents. This guy sounded like he was African, although I couldn’t quite place the accent, I knew he was not American, nor Cuban, nor Spanish speaking. I told him that his voice did not match the stories he had told me about himself. He pretended to be insulted and was a bit taken aback. I said, I’m an anthropologist and I know language and your accent does not match what you have told me about yourself. I did not come out and tell him where I thought he came from, because I couldn’t be certain, other than he was not who he said he was.
At this point he was trying to get me to drive down and meet him at the Walmart in OK that coming Saturday morning. When we talked on the phone, I noticed that the video was turned off. That told me that either his phone was a burner and wouldn’t allow for video or that he chose not to allow his face to be shown, both of which told me he was hinky. And what kind of gentleman expected the lady to drive to meet him instead of driving to meet her or suggesting that we meet halfway somewhere public? The whole thing began to stink to high heaven.
Needless to say, our conversation was short and unpleasant. Yet the next morning, he was texting me saying that he was at the Walmart waiting for me to show up. I responded with a message saying I never told him I would meet him and what kind of man expected a woman my age to show up and meet a man who would not show his face during a phone call or expect me to drive to meet him an hour and a half away? Not very gentlemanly of him at all. No way would I put myself in that position. A fool I was not. He kept sending a few texts about how he was there waiting for me, but I never showed. And that was the end of it. I just kept having visions of white slavery – although what they would want with an old arthritic woman of 65 I have no idea.
So, that was when I decided I was through with internet dating. The guy’s picture was not one of those that looked like a model like you would expect a scammer to use; he looked like an average nice guy. But I don’t think he was the person in the photo at all. I think whoever I spoke to had stolen some other guy’s profile and went from there. Those bastards are getting sneakier and sneakier. And it just sucks when all you are trying to do is get a date or find someone to love and spend time with not end up god knows where or someone trying to steal your money or your identity or something worse.
So, in the past year or so, I have joined a couple of in-person groups. One is a social type of group, where it is not necessarily about meeting up just to find a partner, but more to get out and do things in the city and meet people, but if you happen to find someone, then cool. There are couples in the group, but most of the people are single and probably looking and hoping to find someone, but some are just looking to get out and have some fun and make some friends. The other group is to meet potential partners and there are people from their 20s up into their 70s in that group. Both groups are very active with lots of meetups, although you need to be selective at my age for what appeals. I’m way past the bar scene and a lot of the activities seem to occur in the bars.
One woman did start sort of a splinter group that meets and it is for the older crowd of mostly 50+ that comes and we mostly go out to dinner and then some go out afterwards to a bar or dancing (even though most of us are no longer that flexible any more). I have to admit I am more comfortable with this crowd, but the downside to this group is that more women than men show up and so far, I have not been that interested in any of the men that have shown up or they in me.
One thing about internet dating, I guess, is that the pool is larger in some respects. Or it appears to be. But when you get out in the city in smaller groups like the ones I have participated in so far, the selection seems to be smaller. Yet people seem to be finding each other. Maybe I am just getting more picky in my old age. But that’s ok. I’ve earned the right to be that way. I’ve kissed enough frogs in my time. I’m waiting for the man of my heart.
I don’t know if I am just too impatient or what, but I am actually on a dating website because I want to meet someone, not because I want to spend days, weeks, even months, chatting with someone. If you are on a dating website, doesn’t that mean you actually want to go out on a date with someone? Meet them at some point?
If You Lak-a-me Lak I Lak-a-you
Lyrics from Under the Bamboo Tree
I figure, if you have chatted for a week or so and gone through the list of things that are important to you, like are you compatible about things like religion, politics, zodiac sign, morning or night person, sports or no sports, type of music, active or couch potato, types of movies you like to watch, that sort of thing, then the next step is to talk on the phone. Then, if possible do something like face-time them, either through an app like Messenger or whatever works for you so you can actually see the person’s face/body expressions, and hear their voice. You can tell a lot about a person from that. Do that a few times to get a better feeling for that person. If you have made it that far (and believe me! getting that far is difficult enough for me!) then surely, it is time to make a date!
Just Do It!
Nike Logo/Slogan Google/History of Advertising No. 118
The feminist in me, says I have no problem in putting it out there. I like you, you like me, let’s meet! Whoa!!! Says the man, hold up there! Did you just break the rules and ask me out? Or ask if we could meet? That’s not the way it is supposed to go! I’m supposed to ask you out! I don’t like this! No way, Josephina! And they suddenly go cold or disappear.
Why is that so threatening to the male ego? Wouldn’t it be flattering to be asked out? It is to me? But I’ll be hanged if I am going to sit around and wait for weeks or months for you to ask me for a phone number to call me or for you to ask me out on a date. Because so far, the batting average has been very low. I wait and I wait and I wait and nothing happens. In fact, many times, you just slag off and disappear and I never hear from you again because you haven’t got the balls to even call me much less actually take me out for a date. Then WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ON A DATING WEBSITE IN THE FIRST PLACE??!!
Oh and it gets worse the farther you live away from me. Just think, if you live in a town that is 2 hours drive away, how much more that is going to complicate things. How are we supposed to coordinate a date now? Do you come to me? Do I come to you? Do we meet somewhere in the middle? And how safe is that? If you meet somewhere halfway, how do you protect yourself when you have never met this person and maybe have only talked to them on the phone and have hopefully at least face-timed them so you know what they look like in real life. But how well do you really know them? How good of a judge of character are you? Do you take someone along with you as a sidekick on your first date, just in case? Yeah, that’s romantic. They might turn out to be the one and you just turned up with your best friend in tow.
Let’s take my case right now. I’ve been talking to this one guy, who lives a couple hours drive away, for a few months now. So far, we’ve never talked on the phone because the only phone he has, apparently, is a work phone and he is reluctant to use it to call me. Yet, he uses it for a dating app? Explain that to me! We’ve talked about meeting, but his work schedule is nuts and he hasn’t had a day off for a long time and he works nights right now. He has to get time off approved ahead of time, but so far has made no effort with me to schedule such a time off so we could meet.
I decided today, that I have had enough with the stalling. Either put up or shut up. Ask for that time off, call me and talk to me like you mean it or forget it. Put some effort into it, man, or be alone the rest of your life. I got better things to do than to sit around here waiting for you to get online and decide you have time to talk to me!!
Because I’m Worth It, Dammit!
L’OREAL slogan from Pinterest/Google
Once again, I find myself playing the damn woman’s game of giving too much of herself to a man who can’t be bothered to stir himself to put forth the effort it would take to start a real relationship that might require some work on his part. Well, screw that. I have invested enough time and energy into this and it has gone nowhere. Time to move on if he is not willing to put anything more into it than he has so far. From now on, you guys have a time limit. If you don’t move things along and I make a move and it scares you, then I am moving on and not looking back. It’s just not worth the angst I have been causing myself over it, tormenting myself over the whys and wherefores of how you operate. I will never understand it, so why waste my valuable time? I’m worth way more than that.
So…I decided to give this one guy another chance. We have been talking on this one dating website probably off and on for a couple of years. He lives a little over 2 and a half hours drive time away from me and until recently, worked graveyard shift, worked weekends, and prior to Covid a lot of overtime, so meeting up or having a relationship wasn’t entirely practical. We would chat online for awhile and then I wouldn’t hear from him for lie 6 months. I finally got tired of it and told him if he wasn’t ever going to make the effort to meet, then he should leave me alone. Frankly, I told him I wasn’t there just for his wanking off pleasure.
Well, he got in touch just this past week or so and nothing else fruitful was going on in my life except yet another scammer (why won’t they leave me alone??!!) so I thought I’d just see if now that he is working days (11-7) and has weekends off and a holiday weekend was coming up, I’d see if he made more of an effort. But he would be on a short time leash. I gave him a few lead-ins like, looks like it would be a good weekend for a BBQ, to which he replied, “or to meet some place for BBQ,” but with no follow up. Later, when I asked him why he had gotten in touch with me again, he said to get to know me better. I thought, buddy, if you don’t know me well enough by now after chatting on and off for a couple of years, then you won’t ever know me. Then he asked if we had ever talked on the phone and I said no. So, we agreed to talk on the phone the next night.
That went pretty well, but with still no offer for meeting up over the weekend, just a talk to you tomorrow (which is Friday). I get a text the next morning while I am at my eye doctor’s appointment and after that…SILENCE. NADA. NOTHING. BUPKIS. I finally sent him a text, just a what’s up. Then I sent him an F, telling him he had failed (being a teacher). Then I finally sent him a longer text saying that he had been given his last chance to come through and actually do more than just dance around. He needed to make a move and actually ask me to meet him and plan it out. We don’t live that far apart and if he wanted something real then he had to do the work. If he wasn’t willing to put forth the effort then he was going to miss out on the opportunity to see if there could be something worthwhile here or not. Up to him. Still nothing. So, I guess I have my answer.
Don’t be on a damn dating website and take up my time if you haven’t got the balls to do anything about it!!
I know, it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. But I just got so tired of the bullshit on dating sites and the last scammer just did me in. I did my best to make sure he was for real and although there were signs along the way, he managed to keep me on the hook until almost the end. Then when he presented me with a copy of the false contract for a job he had just gotten in Mexico, I knew for sure he was full of shit. The funniest part of it? When I checked his so-called local address that was on the contract? It was the very funeral home that my sister-in-law had her final remains taken care of at and where her funeral was. What an asshole!
I did everything I could think of to catch this guy upfront. He still managed to not talk to me on the phone, although he sent me videos of himself. But all the signs were there: the too fast trip down romance lane, the talk of retirement within a short few months, the being too busy to meet me in person because of his work schedule, although he only supposedly lived around 35 miles away (and according to the dating website, that checked out). But, when I looked up records for where he said he owned a house in Texas, there was no record of anyone of that name owning a house. So, it was all BS. From the start. And the weird thing was – I contacted him because someone contacted me first and when I checked, I found a person with one of the same photos locally and sent a message to him. They were probably the same person. God, the lengths these people will go to deceive just blows my mind! And all this without asking me for a dime and it had gone on for like a month. Sending me these romantic song videos and making other romantic gestures and like an idiot, I ate it up, even while not believing a word of it, but wanting to.
So, ladies, once again, beware of anyone who wants to get romantic too soon, without ever actually meeting you. Even if they talk to you on the phone. Maybe even if they video chat with you (although that is unlikely, I just heard of someone who did get one to do that with her). And then if they suddenly get a job in Timbuktu, well, you know for sure they are a scammer. But please, just shut them down early. Don’t waste your time because you want a little romance in your life, unless you want to just play with them, or are able to keep from getting your emotions involved. Remember – It Isn’t Real! If they don’t follow through and meet you and have a normal relationship with you where you date and get to know each other, then it isn’t real! So, don’t waste your time. They should be in your area, not overseas. They should be able to meet you within a week or two of chatting you up online, because otherwise, why are they on a dating site at all?
And then there are the Wusses
SOooo Immature!!!
So, after taking about a month or two off from interacting with anyone on a dating website, I decided I had done enough healing work through some women’s groups I had been attending, to try it again. My anxiety levels immediately shot through the roof. I backed off of POF, because there are just way too many scammers on there. Almost every guy I was contacted by on there appeared to be one. I could tell just by the pictures and the profiles. Way too handsome, fuzzy photo backgrounds or else they looked planted on foreign scenery or at some restaurant or ocean side view. The profiles had these long flowing descriptions of who they were and what they were looking for in a woman and the job descriptions are always a tip off – marine engineer (yet they live in the Midwest??), oil and gas engineer (yet only have some university – I’m sorry, but to be an engineer, requires a college degree), gemologist or even geologist (I am one, so don’t even go there), and get this one – one guy said he was a project manager. When I asked him what kind of projects he managed he said diamond mines. I said, and you live in Nebraska? And he said, yes, that is what my profile says, why do you ask? I said, because most of the diamond mines are in South Africa. Next time I looked, he had blocked me! LOL
So, I hid my profile again on POF and it is still hidden. The only one I am currently using is Facebook, and it is getting almost as bad as POF for scammers because it is free, but they are just catching on to that it seems, and they have to have a FB profile so it is more of a hassle to create. Nevertheless, they are out there, so beware. You will see the same things to watch out for, the photos, job descriptions, flowery profiles. Also watch out for the ones that speak English and another language, usually German, Dutch, and occasionally French. I think they pick those because if they do ever talk to you on the phone, their accent will not bother you unless you, like me, have a good ear for accents and languages and can tell that it is more likely to be an African-speaking person you are talking to rather than a European.
But my latest episode was none of those. He was just young and immature. Okay, yes, I should probably have known better than to even talk to someone who was 42, but he was into sci-fi and we had other things in common and he liked me first. He also had a meme on his profile that indicated he was a safe person for people of all races and sexual orientations and I liked that. So, we started chatting a bit. It was slow at first. I think he was more bothered by the age difference than I was, since I wrapped my head around that long ago. He also lives a couple of hours away and has no car. Well, I was on vacation this week, so I offered to drive there to meet him. No expectations, just to hang out and see if there were any sparks to see if it was worth pursuing any further. We talked on the phone once. That went well and we were supposed to video chat, just to confirm that we were talking to whom we both thought we were talking to. Well, I finished up what I was doing and ate something that evening, while he was doing the same. When I got on my phone, ready to tell him I was ready to talk, I found that he had blocked me on messenger, his FB dating profile was no longer available, and his phone number wasn’t accepting calls. WTH??? I finally figured out I could send him a text still, even if he blocked me, he would still receive it and hopefully one day he will read them and see what a WUSS I think he is for not having the balls to tell me he changed his mind about meeting and wanted to back out.
Now, granted, I should have known better than to even waste my time on someone who is over 20 years my junior, but he seemed very nice and we liked a lot of the same things and had the same viewpoints on many things. I could tell he was a bit immature (he likes comic books for one thing) and might have been too much of a stoner, but I also knew going in that it wouldn’t be the love of my life, but hey, maybe it would be fun for a bit. I just wish he could have been mature enough to say, hey, I thought about it and I just don’t think it is something I want to do. No hard feelings. Oh well…guess I won’t go down that road again.
Now What?
The newest thing I am trying is a local meet-up group that gets together and does different things in the city, like go out to dinner, meet up for coffee, and tonight there is a game night at someone’s apartment building clubhouse, which I am attending. I went to a restaurant outing the other night and it was okay. A bit hard to meet people in that kind of setting, but I did talk to a few people. Hopefully, tonight will be fun and a better setting to meet people, both male and female and makes some friends, at least, and get out.
I’ll still keep cruising FB dating, but frankly, the guys my age on there are not at all attractive, which is why the scammers have so much luck. And many of the men slightly younger, in their mid-fifties, still have children, which I am not interested in. I might join Match again, but I didn’t have much success on it the last time. I should have grabbed it when they offered it at 50% off, because since then, the most they have offered is 30%. I’m stuck with E Harmony and it is a total washout. The guys they offer are very few and most don’t even have pictures, which shouldn’t be allowed, if you ask me. If you are going to be on a dating website – be brave enough to put a picture of yourself on there, dammit!
Basically, online dating sucks and instead of being the answer to loneliness, it seems to create more isolation than ever before. And the pandemic just made things worse. From what I see and hear, a lot of men (and maybe women) are treating it like a candy store for sex. They don’t want relationships; they just want casual sex, and if you aren’t willing to give it up, then they just move on to the next person. That just seems empty to me and very unfulfilling. And lonely. The same goes for those guys who spend all their time watching porn and never want to actually interact with a real woman. They are missing out on life; on what a real relationship with a woman could and should be. I pity them.
So I actually asked a guy on Facebook dating what this meant as he had selected both of these on his profile. Do you think these two things mean the same thing? No, he said, they don’t. Then why did you put them on your profile? It gives out mixed signals. Which do you want? A hookup or a long-term relationship? I got a non-response: “I’m interested in good healthy relationships no matter what they consist of,” was the reply. Basically, I think that the guy wanted a hookup and didn’t want to put in the effort that a long-term relationship would require because when I said that I was worth more than just a casual hook-up, all the response I got was, “Okay”, and that was the end of the conversation. Pretty much says it all. He was much more honest at the start when he said “What can I say..Wanna fuck!” And I’m getting the feeling that that is the majority of the male consensus out there.
But here is my take on the matter. How does someone have an on-going casual relationship without getting their feelings involved? How do you get so intimate with a person and get to know their likes and dislikes physically without getting emotionally attached in some way? That is, if you see each other more than once. I can’t do it and I’m betting most women can’t and even most men. So, do men just sleep with women once and move on? That just seems so empty to me. That just leaves me more sad and lonely than I was before the encounter. I would much rather spend time getting to know someone. But…and here’s the kicker…what if he can’t allow himself to get emotionally invested in you back? What if every time you start to get close, he sends you packing? What do you do then? Even if you have been warned up front that he wants to keep it “casual”, how do you do that when you have become intimate over months and shared bits of yourself with him and he with you? How can he just shut you down?
I’m wondering if some people (or is it the male species) have a way to compartmentalize sex from their emotions. One night stands are one thing, but if you see a person on a regular basis for sexual encounters, how do you not end up sharing more of yourself and not get emotionally attached? Isn’t the natural progression of things supposed to be to go deeper and become more involved with each other if you care about each other enough to continue the encounters? My question still remains, how can you call this kind of relationship “casual”? Or just hanging out? There is nothing “casual” about it. It is an on-going, long-term relationship, even if it doesn’t involve going out into public together or cooking dinner together or sleeping together or even watching an episode of Star Trek together. But I don’t know what you call it either, other than hurtful, and too one-sided with all the power in the hands of one partner, who calls all the shots, demanding that the relationship stay within certain limiting boundaries.
Lesson Learned?
I guess the lesson I am trying to take away from this is that what I want is something real, something long-term, something where my partner is willing to invest time and emotions into getting to know me and spend time with me and not only in bed. So, if the profile reads “Casual” or Hangout” or even just wanting friendship or dating, I am going to pass it by. If the guy isn’t actively seeking a long-term relationship and wanting something more than a roll in the hay, then he’s not the guy for me. And I will also take a pass on guys with children. I’m way past wanting to help some guy raise their kids. I’m much more into being a grandma than a mother to someone else’s kids these days. Don’t look to me for that!
Internet Dating at 66 - A Woman's Perspective 