HELLO – IS ANYONE OUT THERE? BEING GHOSTED

Definition of Being Ghosted

According to the Urban Dictionary, being ghosted is: “When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they’re dating, with zero warning or notice before hand. You’ll mostly see them avoiding friend’s phone calls, social media, and avoiding them in public.” Well, in internet dating, you might still just be in the chatting phase and have this happen to you. I have had this happen to me countless times. There are a few times in the recent past that I would like to tell you about that still have me scratching my head saying to myself – WTF????

Ghost #1

The most recent ones have happened in the last month. With one person, we talked over a week and things were moving right along. We chatted everyday, even talked on the phone a few times. He lived in my town, we had a lot in common, we seemed very compatible, he had the same goals as far as what he wanted in a relationship (long term, girlfriend/boyfriend, monogamous), he said he really liked me and I said I really liked him. So, me, being the impatient feminist I am, took it a step further and said I’m ready to take the next step and meet, are you? I waited eagerly for an hour for a response and got none. Then I added, “I guess not.” I never heard from him again. I waited a couple of weeks until I could take it no longer and finally sent a text message saying I was totally confused. I didn’t understand why he quit talking to me. If he wasn’t ready to meet, all he had to do was just say so. And still….nothing. I waited a few more days and then because I wasn’t certain if he had deleted my phone number or blocked me, I sent a message to his POF profile, just a silly message. No response. Then I sent another message stating that when he had been brave and put himself out there and first said he liked me, I responded in kind and said I liked him back. But when I put myself out there and said I wanted to meet, all I got was ghosted. Still nothing. Yet, the man has had the nerve to continue to like and view my profile on POF so he can look at my pictures and see when I am online. Yet doesn’t have the balls to talk to me anymore. Again, I say…WTF????

Ghost #2

Another guy that contacted me just never seemed to have the time to chat, or if he did, the times weren’t very convenient, like they were early morning while he was getting ready for work and I was still sleeping. That was, in fact, the only time we actually had a long (maybe an hour) chat exchanging questions and answers with each other. When I asked about talking after work, he later got back to me and said that he was so tired after work that he just came home and ate and slept. He runs his own business, and he also seemed like he worked most Saturdays. Just when did he think he had time to date? I again took the bull by the horns and asked him if he wanted to meet me for drinks after work one day and he said he would love to. Great! I thought. So, I proceeded to tell him my work schedule, thinking it would happen over the next few days or surely, within the next week. I suggested a couple of places we might meet. And I hear nothing. Bupkis. For like 2 weeks. Are you getting the picture yet of how I am feeling? But wait! There’s more! The guy has the guts to contact me again and asks for forgiveness and promises to make it up to me. Which he does not. He proceeds to send me a one line of text about every few days and that’s it. I get just about no answers to my questions about times we might chat that are more convenient to both of us and certainly there is no mention of a makeup date. And then a couple of days ago I get on POF and guess what?? His profile is no longer even on there! He’s disappeared without a trace and without a word to me! Chickenshit! He can’t even bother to tell me he doesn’t have time to date and can’t make it up to me and he’s sorry. No, he just takes his profile offline without another word to me. How lame is that??

Ghost #3?

Is it any wonder that I am a little gun shy right now? When anyone I am interested in and have been talking to regularly all of a sudden quits talking to me for no apparent reason, I begin to freak out and think of all the reasons I haven’t heard from them. The person I have been chatting with the most in the past few months has done this to me a couple of times over our acquaintance. The last time it happened a week or so ago, he had a family emergency and I accused him of ghosting me. He forgave me, saying I wasn’t to know what had happened and he would never do that to me anyway. Yet here it is a week or so later and it has been a couple of days since he has talked to me and he hasn’t been online and I worry that the same thing has happened or worse. Since before this happened we were talking about how much we wanted to get together and meet and see if we were compatible, I’m fairly sure I’m not being ghosted, but my past experiences (see above) say otherwise. How can I trust someone I’ve never met and in this case, never even talked to on the phone or face-timed or anything, but only chatted with online?

Why Does This Happen?

These are just a few recent examples of being ghosted by men on internet dating sites. I’m sure if I searched my memory banks of data, I’d find a lot more to tell you about, but I’m sure you get the picture by now. It seems that, rather than actually communicating what they are thinking or feeling or going through, these men (all men?) would rather just ignore you or ghost you or delete you or remove themselves from the website than explain themselves. It is so much easier. But it leaves me and all the other women like me, at a loss, scratching our heads, saying to ourselves, what the hell just happened? Or likely, too many women are apt to say, “what did I do wrong?” That answer to that question is – nothing! You did nothing wrong. I questioned myself about whether or not I was too aggressive in many cases or forward by asking these men out because women have been taught through the ages to wait for men to do that, but if we did, we’d still be waiting. I’ve been waiting for 2.5 years now and very few of them have had the guts. And you know the ones who have? Mostly, they just wanted to come over to MY HOUSE in order to get laid. Yep, you heard that right, they invited themselves over to my house with the sole intention of fucking me. They may have wanted a long term relationship to go along with that, but the short term goal was clear. Not all, but since Covid hit, it sure gave them a good excuse not to fork out money over a date.

Be Safe

After my last experience, I am done inviting someone I have never met into my home and I am here to advise you, not to do that either. It’s just not a safe option until you really trust the guy. You’re better off going to their place, where you can leave when you are ready. Or go to a hotel where you can call the front desk or 911 if you need to call for help, if sex is what is on your menu. But don’t invite them to your home. I thought I was a pretty good judge of character but I guess I wasn’t thinking too clearly the last time I did it and got involved with someone. Pay attention to the safety tips they give you on those dating websites. Insist on meeting the first few times in a public venue. If they are on the up and up, they will have no problem with that. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they act in public and they way they respond to your request for that kind of meeting. If they won’t, you know that they won’t respect your wishes in other ways. Stick to your boundaries. Make those boundaries before you meet someone and stick to them. Don’t let your hormones or their charms sway you away from your own safety guidelines. Get to know a fella before you agree to meet them. Chat with them online first, by all means, but then face-time them through messenger or by phone, if you feel confident giving them your phone number. I am seriously considering getting a burner phone just for internet dating if things don’t work out with the guy I am chatting seriously with now (if he ever gets back to me!). I am just not comfortable giving out my phone number knowing how easily my phone number is attached to all my other information and how easily you can get that information if you are willing to pay for it. And if you are a scammer, that monthly fee is just a part of your operating costs.