Tag: writing

Ghosting Sucks

So this last go round, I chatted for a long time with a guy on Facebook dating. We were aligned politically and religiously, so no problems there. He seemed very cautious about taking the time to get to know each other before we got off the site and exchanged phone numbers. And even after that, it was a while before we decided to meet up for a date. But I noticed that he kept dropping what I called information “bombs”.

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These “bombs” were about his former wives and his health. Now, at this age, we all come with some baggage in the emotional department and some health issues. But this dude had more than his fair share of both. So, even though I liked him personally, I was a little leery of his background with his ex-wives and the emotional damage they had caused him, his reluctance to seek therapy related to that damage, and his somewhat severe health problems (and who knows what he hadn’t told me about yet?).

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By this time, several months had passed and we had met a couple of times. We met for dinner and hung out for a few hours the first time, and the second time went out on some country roads to try and catch the northern lights, which never reappeared. We tried to settle on a third date to go out for barbeque but he kept feeling ill. Then he came up with the idea of a day trip to see some local geological scenery and we agreed on a date and time. This time I felt ill the day before and decided to cancel that night. I texted and said that I didn’t feel well and wasn’t sure that I was up for a day trip where I would be in a car all day long with little access to restrooms. He said that was fine and he understood. But then he made a remark that he thought I didn’t want to go because I was “nervous”. I said no, I thought it was because of the foods I had been eating or maybe the medication I was taking was disagreeing with me. Then we both agreed we needed to work on getting healthier and we would try it another time in the future.

So, the next day rolls around and I do the usual and don’t get up until very late. There’s no text from him. I go about my day and don’t hear from him. He doesn’t check to see how I am feeling, which I thought was odd and not very thoughtful. The day goes by and still I don’t hear from him. Then the next day goes by and I’m thinking…is this a game? Is he waiting for me to contact him? Because if he is, he’s got a long wait coming because to be honest, I’m not sure I care that much if I hear from again with all the problems he seems to have. I wouldn’t have minded being friends with him but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be anything more than that with him but I hadn’t decided yet. But I guess that decision had been taken from me as the days went by and still no word from him.

Still it was hurtful to be ghosted and dumped for no reason when all I had done was say I wasn’t feeling well and wanted to postpone a day trip until another time. He was the one who had canceled several times because he had been having some major health issues the week before that were serious enough he thought he might need to go to the ER. In a way, it was a relief, but can’t we think of better ways at the age of 60+ to deal with ending a beginning relationship than to just ghost someone? Or is that just how it is going to be? We’ll all just act juvenile, like teenagers, because it is easier than saying “I don’t think this is going to work out; have a nice life”?

Now, I know I have taken the easy way out too, blocked someone who has been rude to me, taken things too far too fast, ghosted others as well. But I do think as human beings over the age of 60 we should be able to come up with a better way of saying that this isn’t going to work for me and I wish you the best. It would be better than saying nothing at all and leaving that person wondering what the hell they did to deserve that kind of treatment

Dating for the Semi-Retired

So, recently, my life has changed in a number of ways. One of my part-time jobs has ended and my teaching job is not taking up much of my time at the moment. I also moved from the country into a small apartment in the town where I grew up going to school as a child. It’s a lot warmer and safer in all respects, but I do miss the country and hearing the owls hoot at night, but not freezing my ass off when the temperatures drop into the single digits or below zero. Thank the goddess, I had invested in an electric blanket before winter hit. I also, reluctantly, started up online dating again as well as going to a few public events with the singles groups I have joined locally.

I finally went on a date a week or so ago. Against what I preferred, the man lived a couple of hours away, but he seemed eager to meet up, so I thought, why not give it a chance and see. The more I talked to him, the more uncertain I became. We would make a plan and then the next time we talked, he would backtrack and change the plan to something different. I would find myself agreeing and then after I got off the phone, feel like I had been somewhat bulldozed and have to send him a text and say, wait a minute…I don’t think I agree with this. And then we would start all over again. We finally ended up with the original plan of the man coming to meet near my home town for my comfort (and he still tried to change the venue on the way here). We met at the agreed upon location only to discover that the bar’s fryer was on the fritz, so no food was to be had, so he had picked another location. I followed him there and we went in to sit down and talk.

We ordered drinks and some nachos and talked for maybe an hour and a half and seemed to be hitting it off fairly well. He was very complimentary. One thing that bothered me though, was that he would not directly answer what he did for a living. I got a partial answer, but not a full one, like he had something to hide. But I did ask him at one point how he saw things going if we went ahead and tried to have a relationship seeing as how his life was in his town and mine was here with my friends and family. He saw no problem with me coming to his place for a few days a week, with my work being flexible and off-site, while he was more tied to his job on location and he had a house all paid for. He could tell I wasn’t all that fond of the idea on a long-term basis. And his response was a bit too passive-aggressive for my taste.

He seemed eager to hit the road, like getting back to his place by 9 on a Saturday night was important. The restaurant wasn’t busy and I wondered why we couldn’t sit and talk longer. In the end, I broke my cardinal rule and ended up inviting him back to my place. I won’t go into details, but just let me say that the things that I saw in his character before that had me a little concerned showed up in spades after that. As time went on, I became less and less impressed and by the time he left, I knew I did not want to continue the relationship any further, especially when it involved long distance.

I didn’t hear from him for about 18 hours after he left (he was supposed to call and tell me he arrived safely). I didn’t pick up. He called again a few hours later and I didn’t pick that up either. I know it wasn’t very mature, but I was mad for a couple of reasons, again, I will spare you the details. After talking to a couple of trusted people, I decided telling him off for those reasons was a waste of energy and he would get the hint that I didn’t care to continue the relationship when I didn’t answer his calls. Not my finest moment in the history of internet dating, but there you go. Another lesson learned. One I hope I take to heart this time.

Now, I’m talking to three new guys who seem to be fairly decent and are local. They aren’t bum-rushing me like the last dude. With every encounter, I learn something new about myself and the world of dating. And I’m damn lucky that my risky behavior hasn’t gotten me into a lot worse trouble than it has so far.