These are the wise words from Alethea Crimmons, a Tik Tok motivational speaker. As she reminded me, I am worth more than just someone who just takes scraps, someone who just settles for someone who wants to be with you only when it is convenient for them. If you cut them off, know it is they gave you the scissors. You are worth more than you were settling for.
For several years now, I have been tied up in knots, wanting to get back with this man that I broke off with twice because of the very things I mention above. Even though he claimed once to love me and I thought I loved him, the only time we got together was at his convenience, usually once a week. I never got any notice ahead of time either. It was just a text at around 7:30 on a Friday or Saturday night indicating he wanted me to come over and I would come a’runnin’.
We were very intimate and we had similar histories with long-term relationships that I thought bonded us. Yet, I got very tired of only hearing from him when it was time to have intimate relations. He made it clear from the outset that he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend, so I tried my damndest not to fall in love with him, but like most women, my emotions got involved along with my body. And I liked him. He was everything I thought I was looking for, smart, handsome, educated, had a good job, a nice house, no kids, was good and attentive in bed. He just refused to have a full blown relationship that I craved.
So after we’d been seeing each other for about 6 months and things seemed to be cooling, I got mad like I usually do and instead of actually talking things through, I broke it off because all I got from his was that he need “me time” and wanted to be alone.
But a couple of months later, I found myself crawling back because I missed him and we were back to the same old thing because I still wasn’t emotionally mature enough to talk to him about it and he, being an avoidant type of personality, surely wasn’t going to bring it up either. So things go on for about 5 more months the same ways until I start feeling about the same way again. Things had changed a bit; I thought we were getting closer as now he had come to my house once, so I thought that meant I could extend invitations as well. Well, when I did, I got rejected and I admit, I didn’t take it well. I read things completely wrong and instead of saying see you later and waiting to talk in person about what was really bothering me, I blew him off in a text message.
Well, I sent his several messages after that trying to explain what I was thinking and feeling. I should have just gone over there and forced a face-to-face meeting. But I was too chicken. None of my messages seemed to make a difference. When I asked to come over about a month later, he told me he was seeing someone. That about crushed me.
Now it’s been three years. I shop at his local neighborhood grocery store because that is my closest pharmacy and I still hope I run into him just “by accident” some day. I have the feeling if he ever sees me first, he will run the other way and avoid me. Every so often I send him a text message, the last one being a Merry Christmas.
But the motivational message put out by Alethea really hit me as to what I had allowed to go on for a year and then continue to happen to me for the following three years. Hold him up as a much better man than he really was. Instead of being a potential lover that I hoped he would turn into, he used me to scratch his itch once a week and if it wasn’t that strong that week, then maybe the next week. If he was depressed, he could live without me. Otherwise, he could replace me. In the long run, I didn’t mean that much to him other than someone to occasionally warm his bed. We had a nice thing going, but he wasn’t going to change his mind and suddenly make me the love of his life like I dreamed. I need to let him go once and for all. I am better than a dog waiting for scraps from dinner. I have way more value than that. I am a beautiful strong capable woman who has a lot to offer a good man who can see my value and treasure me. And he isn’t that man and never will be. And even if I had gotten to talk to him in person and tell him all my grievances, it wouldn’t have changed a thing.
Internet Dating at 66 - A Woman's Perspective 