Internet Dating at 66 – A Woman's Perspective

Why Me???

All right, so maybe in hindsight, I shouldn’t have started talking to this bloke on Woo Plus. But he was handsome, (I should have known better from the photos that looked too good to be true) and he was from my former state of residence and I was feeling a bit homesick during the holidays, and he liked me too. Of course, within a few sentences, I could tell English wasn’t his first language and how many times have I said that this is, unfortunately, a first huge red flag that the person is likely to be a scammer after their photos looking off? By that, I mean that often the picture of the person will look planted on the background. Or the background is faded out. Or the background is of some famous landmark, but the person in it doesn’t match in perspective. It just looks photoshopped and the guy looks too much like a model.

He does admit that he grew up in Germany and that he moved here in his early 20s and started his career working for an air charter service as an airplane technician servicing aircraft. Then he almost immediately tells me that he has found out there is an opening for him to apply for a contract in my home state to service aircraft for his company and he is working on the paperwork so he can be ready to fly out to meet me so we can be together and live happily ever after. LOL Then it turns into he has the chance to apply for what is called a receivership for 5 years where he will have the responsibility to cover the maintenance for the charter service company for that amount of time after which he will retire and we will really live happily ever after. He even sends me a copy of the award letter, contract (showing he will earn $5 million + for his work (how unlikely is that??!!). The hitch is he has to guarantee his contract worth by putting up 20% of the contract for 90 days to show he will be able to fulfill the needs of the contract in good faith. He even has the logo correct for the company because I checked. I know nothing about business. But my therapist does and she called bullshit on this whole deal. I mean I knew he was hinky was from the beginning but I decided to play it out to the bitter end and see when and how he was going to ask me for money and how much.

Another trick these guys will pull is to tell you that they love you. Which this guy did. I immediately called him on it and said, that was BS because you can’t possibly love someone you haven’t met, don’t know, have barely spoken to on the phone with, and haven’t spent any time with. That it was totally inappropriate to say that. When he finally got back to me he asked why I attacked him. Playing the hurt card. Then we had a total tug of war conversation. I told him he freaked me out saying that. He told me to keep my fears to myself – Say What? Now who in the world, if they love you, would say that to you? When I repeated the gist of the conversation to my therapist, we decided he was a total narcissist and that was truly the end for me. I shut down any emotional attachment I had allowed myself to develop for this scammer and let it play out to the forgone conclusion.

It wasn’t long before it happened. The date on the contract specified that he had to be in my state by January 3rd, so I knew that the whole drama was coming to a head. He told me that the first bank he applied to covered a large percentage of the amount he needed for the contract, but not all of it. So he was applying to another bank for the remainder and was sure that he would get it and hear back almost immediately and was making reservations at a hotel near me. Of course, that fell through almost right away. The bank gave him a loan, but not for the full amount he was asking for. They told him that he needed to get the remainder from private donations. He said the only person he knew to get money from was his friend, who was going through cancer treatments, so he didn’t feel right about asking. I thought to myself, here it comes, here comes the ask. It didn’t come right away, but it did come eventually. FOR $2000!!!!! I said NO, of course. Politely, but firmly, that I didn’t have that kind of money to give out. – Oh, and it was to “assist him with a couple of thousand to expedite my coming”. Good grief!! Who has that kind of cash just lying around?? Not this girl and certainly not to give to a total ass stranger!!! Good god – are they joking these scammers? Do they really get this much out of women? Surely he didn’t think I cared enough about him to send him that much money? He knew I had family and was not that desperate and lonely. Yikes! I guess they start out large and then go for a more reasonable amount. Because that’s what he did. But he tried for the $2000 a second time first!! And I said: “I’m not giving you any money. How much more clear do I have to be?” So, he waited a couple of days, to the day before he was scheduled to have to be here, saying he was getting set up for coming here and then he asked for $500! And my reply?? “Are you serious?? What part of NO are you not understanding??????!!! To which he responded, “Please, I need this help. I’m exhausted. I don’t want this opportunity to pass me by.” To which I responded, ” I’m sorry but your life and emergency is not my problem.” To which is answer was simply, “Ok.” And that’s the last I’ve heard from him. Pretty sure he never moved to my state or that he was any of the things he said he was. He certainly we never in love with me or cared about me or he would have stayed in contact with me and told me the outcome of his situation. It is all too obvious that the only purpose of our whole internet exchange was to develop a relationship solely so he could try and scam money out of me.

May He Burn in Hell

It just makes me angry that there are men out there taking advantage of sad and lonely women, playing on their emotions, and in some cases, profiting off of those emotions. It’s sick and depraved. I wish there was a way to stop them. It’s bad enough that there are men that use women like tissues, use them for sexual gratification and then toss them carelessly into the trash when they are done with them, not thinking about the broken hearts they leave behind. But these men are the lowest scum of the earth. I want so much to just blast this jerk. But what good will it do? He’ll either get all defensive or totally ignore me. It won’t make a dent in his narcissistic soul. He exists to manipulate and use women for his own designs. May he burn in a hell that I don’t even believe in. Amen.

Sometimes I feel like my “dating” life is a revolving door. Only it’s hardly a dating life as it mostly involves chatting with guys for a few days on various websites and then they either ghost me or I lose interest or they piss me off or it just goes nowhere and it’s over before it even starts. I’ve had exactly 1 date in 4 months and that was a short meet and greet at Subway for a takeaway flat flavored water and the guy was kind of a jerk. It was clear after talking to him for about half an hour that all he was interested in was someone to cook him the occasional meal and get his rocks off about once a week and that is not at all what I am looking for. He made it clear it would pain him to even take me out to dinner, but he probably could manage it if I insisted. He called me a couple of hours later, claiming he couldn’t get me off his mind and wanted me to drive to his place in the dark to a town I’d never been to, to be with him, which I politely declined. When asked if I felt a spark between us, I hedged and said I didn’t know and would need a second longer meeting under better circumstances to find out. He must have said that “he was not usually such a gentleman” 5 or 6 times during our conversations. I’d hate to see how he treated other women then. I gave it some thought for a day or so then sent a polite text saying that I thought we wanted different things in a relationship and that he was off the hook for a dinner and wished him good luck in his dating search. He sent me back a thumbs up in reply. Apparently, not too broken-hearted then.

Lessons Learned

I joined a new website called Woo Plus. It is a site designed specifically for those who are what are known as “plus” sized or for those who want to find larger sized mates. I thought that sounded like it might be a good place for me as sites like Match.com and Zoosk seemed to be filled with guys my age who are looking for gals who are fitness buffs fighting growing old with every resource at hand and ready to take on Mt Fuji next year. Definitely, not me. One of the first local guys I took a chance connecting with had some weird details on his profile that I was sure weren’t correct, but I decided to take a chance because he was cute and we started chatting. He was very open and honest and came clean about not liking to fill out the forms. I think I talked about him on a previous blog. Well, I did something that I have done many times before. I did what I call “future tripping”. This guy was only 39 and I looked down the road and thought, jeez, I’m almost 64, what guy who is that age is gonna want to be saddled with a woman my age in a few years who will be 70 when he is in his 40s? And then I said that to him. He said fair enough and then said, but I think we would still have a good time and a good conversation, so how about a date? And I said I would love to go out with you. And then although he asked when I would be available, and we kept chatting after that, he quickly cooled off until he quit talking to me at all and I haven’t heard from him since. So, Lesson Learned!! Quit Future Tripping!! I might not have had a long future with this guy, but I might have had a nice time with him for who knows how long. Why did I put the stoppers on it without even trying? He was obviously interested knowing how old I was, so why did I do that? Why did I have to be so damn practical? What stopped me from taking a chance? So, in the future, if that happens again, I won’t be so quick to put a damper on it if the guy seems really nice and open and honest and sweet. Give it a chance and see where it goes. It might be fun for awhile and I might enjoy it.

Lessons Learned 2

Okay, I’m still a work in progress on this one. I have a real problem with overkill. When I am chatting with someone and we get to the point where it seems like we are both interested I never know how much is too much and when to back off and let them do the work. I tend to freak out if I don’t hear from them and then I either lose my temper or I say something stupid or I end up acting or sounding too needy and I scare them off. It’s fear-based and I know that. It’s anxiety based; it’s controlling behavior; it’s a need to know what it going on in the other person’s mind. It is because I over analyze the whole situation mostly. And then I get myself in a tizzy and then I overreact. And then I blow it. So, I am trying to not do that ANYMORE!!! Because I don’t want to keep blowing it especially when I find someone I think I want to develop into something possibly good. I have to learn to sit back and talk to myself about it when these feelings of anxiety start to take over and let myself know that this is what is going on and not to let it take over and make me do something I will regret late and not be able to take back. Texting is the worst!! Once you have hit that send button you cannot take it back!!! So, just don’t do it. Phone a friend, text a friend, but don’t text that person you want to keep having a relationship with in your future when you are feeling anxious (I’m telling this to myself and any of my readers that are like me). Luckily for me, when I did this recently, the person laughed it off and told me not to be silly, he was still very interested in me. I haven’t heard from him all day, and it’s driving me nuts, so I am writing this blog for distraction! I know he is interested, so I just have to let it go, right? Right? RIGHT!!!!!

***So, I’m adding to this blog maybe a week and a half later (want to talk about revolving doors!!) and yeah, things went sideways with that guy too. I sent some pictures to him of myself and somehow some pictures of another guy got added in by mistake and I don’t know if that put him off or what, but within a day, he quit texting and I was trying to wait it out and I waited and waited and no response, so, yeah, that ended pretty quickly too.

****Today, I was reading a post on a women’s group from a woman who is experiencing some of the same stuff as I am when dating men (only she is actually getting real dates!). She is getting what other women described as being love bombed, (which can be a sign you are being targeted by a narcissist, ugly red flag there!) which is a guy who comes on really strong and says he loves you within a week of meeting you and then in her case, runs away scared of commitment the following week. But what I found interesting in the comments was some talk about different attachment issues surrounding codependency. I know I have some remaining issues with that (see anxiety issues above) and one woman talked about those and one of the responses she mentioned was neediness and victimization. Boy! Did that strike a chord in my soul! Yep! That hit home with me. That was exactly what I was doing. Being too needy when the relationship wasn’t at a stage where I should be feeling that amount of anxiety about not hearing back from someone I hadn’t even met yet. Bam! Hit me right between the eyes! Guess I’m not as far advanced along as I thought I was.

Another fella that I started chatting with on Woo Plus started out fine and was actually local but he just didn’t seem to have much time as he has a small business he is trying to get expanded. But we would chat every day or so and keep in touch. But the weekend would come and no offer of a date and I thought that was strange as the whole purpose of being on a dating website is to date, n’est-ce pas? And I told him when my birthday was and he didn’t even bother to say happy birthday that day, which I thought a bit rude. Then today, since it had been about 3 days since I had heard from him, I thought I would just send a Happy Saturday text and my phone said my message had been blocked. Say What??!! Now why would he block me? I had done nothing to deserve that. If you are no longer interested or just don’t have the time, then just freaking say so!! What an asshole! So, I got on the website and sent him a message and told him off. He probably is too chickenshit to read it. Why do men treat women so poorly these days?

So the door continues to revolve and I continue to learn lessons about not being too needy and being glad that I never told that blocking bastard what my name was or that I ever gave him my real phone number. I obviously am still a work in progress and I’m talking to someone I hope will work out, but I am still waiting for the bomb to drop on this one too, but hey, after all, this is my personal soap opera you are all reading and I am obviously a revolving door for men to come in and go right back out of without missing a step. I’ll let you know how this one turns out on the next episode of “The Revolving Door”.

There is nothing that annoys me quite so much as a guy who within talking to me for less than a day, starts calling me pet names like dear, babe, hun, or anything like that. And for some reason “Dear” just sets my teeth on edge. If you call me dear, it is like the kiss of death. That is what you call old ladies and I refuse to think of myself as a little old lady. Save that for your great-aunt (okay, okay, I know I am a great-great aunt to several somebodies but these guys don’t know that!) I mean someone in their 80s or 90s! Anyway, being called a pet name has never been something I have liked that much and being called that by someone I have never met and have just started chatting with is off-putting and is likely to put you in the “no” category as far as future relationship material is concerned. And my therapist said that those men who tend to use pet names do it so that they don’t have to remember your name. I believe it. After months of going out with the same guy, who always called me some pet name like sweetie or doll, he finally decides to use my name, and then calls me the wrong name! Embarrassed, he hurriedly checks his phone to make sure he has the right name in his phone, which apparently he does, but now he’s worried he has Alzheimer’s! I guess there is another reason he uses pet names instead of real ones – he can’t remember shit! He never tried to use my real name again.

The next thing some guys do quickly is act like they are in love with you, and again – all of this is without ever having met you – and often without ever having even spoken with you on the phone. They profess that they can’t live without you, and get offended when you tell them they are nuts, that it isn’t possible, or that they need to back off. Often, this is also a good sign that they are scammers and are after you for money or your personal information at some point down the line. For some reason, women my age group are huge targets. I guess they think that just because women my age are on dating websites and lonely, we are also stupid and incapable of seeing through false flattery. Well, apparently some women are, but all it does for me is make me see red flags all over the place and not trust a word they are saying. It is so easy to tell a real person and their interest in you versus one who is trying to snowball you, once you start talking to them.

Practice Those Boundaries!

One good thing about coming across these types of men, whether they be lonely desperate hearts or scammers, is that it is a good opportunity to practice setting and keeping your boundaries, if that is an area where you struggle, like I do. And also a great way to weed out the scammers. I have found recently, that all I have to do is ask them if they are really in my hometown and that is enough to make them block me and disappear. Sometimes they will actually confess, no, I am in Syria, Iraq, or Afghanistan, working for the military, UN, etc. and will be home in 1 or 2 months, blah, blah, blah, and then I get to block them. Any time they say that, I just assume they are a scammer. Even if they are local and military, I am likely to say no, just because I am not into that lifestyle. And seriously, not many men my age are still going to be associated with the military, so they are likely to be liars. So practice your boundaries on the ones you know are lying to you, if you want to play around with them. Why not? You already know they aren’t for you, so just use them to your advantage.

Another thing that I do is carefully read profile details. Of course they lie a lot and you can catch them in those lies. Make them tell you the truth if the pictures don’t match up with the details. If they are honest and just don’t like to fill out questionnaires, they will tell you they just randomly picked answers and tell you the real answers when you ask. If not, they probably will block you because they hacked someone else’s profile, or they are lying about something. Another thing that I see popping up lately on POF is that somehow they are managing to not put in a location. I don’t like that. I want to know if they are local or not. Because if you aren’t, I’m not interested. I don’t know how they are getting around that. For instance, I joined a new site called Woo Plus last week, thinking that might be a better site for me. There was a cute guy that was local, and although on the young side, I decided to go ahead and like him and just send him a nod to that effect. He messaged me back and we started chatting. His details on his profile said he was over 7′ tall and was supersized and I was pretty sure he probably wasn’t, so I questioned him. Of course, he wasn’t. He’s on the average scale of height and weight, just doesn’t like filling out questionnaires, but I told him that women pay close attention to those types of details, so maybe he ought to think about paying more attention in future because I almost dismissed him because of it.

And Finally – Do They Last More Than a Couple of Days?

I seem to have a revolving door of men I get in contact with and chat with a day or two, a week if I am lucky and then :POOF!: they are gone! I don’t know if it is me, or the men, or the state of the world and the economy or what, but nothing seems to be sustainable these days. For instance, the guy I just started talking to on Woo Plus yesterday seems to have dropped me already. And he was supposed to take me out on a date this week! I call that rude! But I guess I am guilty of some of the same behavior when I decide I don’t like someone. But I thought this guy and I hit it off. Oh well…I may try to talk to him later and see if I can find out what happened. It might be something I said about the age difference that put him off. And I was probably right…Sigh…Anyways, that seems to be the way of things, I just can’t seem to even get a date these days. Except for with my stalker who continues to contact me. Ugh. He stopped by around a week or so ago and luckily I realized it was him before I opened the door and I just yelled at him to go away. I don’t know if he even saw me or heard me through the door. Then he shows up on the dating website we first met on and sends me a couple of messages. His latest was to ask if he could come over tomorrow morning at 2:30 AM so we can talk! 2:30 AM!! Who does that?? He knows I am a night owl, but he doesn’t know if I have to work or not in the morning. Anyway, I am continuing my strategy of no contact. I made the mistake of checking out his profile and I don’t know if he could tell that or not. It shouldn’t show up as me. His whole new profile is a tissue of lies. So laughable. But I hope he doesn’t just come by tonight or any other night. I just want him to stop.

Remember the guy I started talking to last week that was supposed to be in Wichita? Ha! Well, it took a few days, but he “confessed” he is in Dubai and won’t be back in the States for 7 weeks. Like I believe that either. Wants me to keep talking to him so we can get to know each other without complications. What the hell does that even mean? Besides which, I am a linguist, and his story doesn’t match up with his language. For instance, he says that he grew up in Toronto and even if you grew up speaking French and English, by now, after all these years, you would be using contractions a lot more than he did and you would not use that tip off phrase “I will like to….” that always says you are not a native English speaker, which if you grew up in Canada, you still would be a native English speaker, even if you learn to speak French, which all Canadians do.

Even if this guy was on the level, there is no way I am sitting around waiting for someone I’ve never met for that long. Especially when I just set a personal boundary of talking to a guy for two weeks and if I don’t have a date to meet face-to-face in that time, I am done with him. I have no idea what this guy’s end game is but I am not playing it.

Then today, on Match.com a 50-year-old guy who says on his profile that he is from a nearby town sends me a nice message and I decide to reply. He tells me that he is in Norfolk, VA until the end of the month (-1 point). Then when I ask what he is doing there he explains that he is an independent marine engineer working on a contract there, and I’m thinking to myself – oh right, here we go – because any time you hear that someone who claims to live in the Midwest and is a marine engineer, does that make any sense at all to you??? If you are legitimate and work in the marine sciences of any kind, you are going to live on the coast. My profile says I am a college professor and I just told you I am. How stupid do you think I am? Just because I am over the age of 60, do you think I have lost my marbles? Pull the other leg!! But I play along just to see what his story is and how far he will go before pulling the plug.

It doesn’t take very long. He tells me his short sob story of why he was in the small town nearby. He came there to nurse his sick mother as she died. She was American and his father was German and Germany was where he was born. (This of course, always helps cover any mistakes scammers make with their English, being foreign-born.) So, he just stayed after that. Then he asks how long I have been on the site. And this is where I hit him with my honesty. I tell him I have been on there for a long time and that I am about to get off because it has been a waste of my time and money. That the older I get the harder it is to find someone compatible because I now have much stronger boundaries and standards. And Boom! He blocks me! And Boom! I report his ass!!

THE STALKER RETURNS

Just when I thought I was safe and he had given up, the stalker appeared knocking at my door Friday afternoon. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth. I thought at first it was my brother coming over to pick up a package that has been misdelivered to my house, but something about the knock was wrong. I also caught a glimpse of a white car outside in the driveway, so luckily I looked through the front door window before I unlocked and opened my door, because there he was, on my front step. I yelled “Go away!” and he knocked again, so I yelled “Go Away!!” louder and then just turned away and went back to the bathroom and calmly finished my tooth-cleaning routine. Then I sat down on the toilet and let go ( my usual response to stress) and called my brother to tell him what had happened. He asked again what kind of car the guy had so he could be on the lookout. When I went out the next day, I found a half-smoked cigarette on the sidewalk. I don’t know if he smoked it then, or if he came back another time. I don’t honestly think he would do me harm, but I do wish he would just give up. I mean I don’t think he cares for me that much. I just think he is mad that I pulled the plug on the relationship and that he lost control of me (or so he thinks that he ever had it). But he needs to freaking get over it. And move on.

IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE FOR ME?

Honestly, I wonder if I will ever find anyone. After reading the article above about how my age group is targeted by scammers, I realize that I am just going to get slammed over and over by them on dating websites because apparently women my age are just lonely and STUPID!!!! DO NOT GIVE MONEY TO STRANGERS YOU HAVE NEVER MET OVER THE INTERNET LADIES!!!!!! NEVER!!!! Sorry to call you stupid, but if you ever do that, seriously, you are. Don’t be taken in by whatever sob story they give you. It’s not true. It’s a lie. Just tell them the truth. You are a smart intelligent woman and you are not at all taken in by their scam and you are reporting their ass right now to the agency in the story above or to the website you are on, just like I do every time. Let’s get those scumbags off of there and let’s let other women know not to be taken in by these lowlifes.

• 

Usually after I get ghosted or something doesn’t work out on internet dating, I just dust myself off and get right back in there. But this time, this time was different. I was angry and hurt and a bit disgusted with myself that I got taken in by this guy, regardless of the red flags I had seen along the way. How many times do I have to go through this to learn my lessons? How many hard knocks do I have to take to figure out that these guys are playing me? How many passes do I have to give these guys to realize that they are lying to me and are incapable of providing the kind of warm loving relationship I want? I just keep fooling myself again and again, giving them chance after chance. And then I just feel stupid.

So, I rested a couple of weeks and didn’t respond to most of the bozos that sent me the usual come-ons. The past couple days, I started up a few of conversations just to test the waters, not really trusting any of them, or myself or my judgment (which is what happens every time after a colossal failure). I scrutinize every word and nuance to see where they might be lying to me. One guy is supposedly in my town, so we’ll see how that pans out. Another guy that was in my town talked to me just a little bit before asking me for my phone number and when I told him I didn’t give it out that soon, although saying it was fine, quit talking to me and hasn’t contacted me since. The one that has talked to me the most I am almost certain is some kind of catfisher. He has no fixed address, claims to be a contract manager that moves around so much on the job that he sold his home. He asked the series of questions that a catfisher tends to: what is your job, do you live alone, what is your favorite color (only he spelled it colour), do you have kids, what has been your longest relationship. Then he asked for my phone number because he doesn’t get on the website that often because he is so busy. Buddy – there is a phone app! It’s just like texting. The only thing it doesn’t have is talking on the phone and I’m not ready to talk to you on the phone yet anyway! And if you are that interested – make time! Not my problem!! I’m not giving a complete stranger I just started talking to, of no known address, my phone number! Why is that so hard to comprehend??? And he acted sort of offended. Poor baby – boo-hoo! At this point I could care less if I hear from him again, as he is not even in my area, so why the hell do I care anyway??

No Ladies – Those Sugar Daddies Aren’t Real!!

The one that I heard from that kills me is another one that wants to be my sugar daddy. I am going to quote this one word for word for you because I actually took a picture of it and saved it for posterity.

“Hi beautiful I don’t know what your attitude really look like but to be honest I would love (heart emoji) you to be my sugar baby and I’ll take care of your needs,rents and also pay you $4000 as your weekly allowance via PayPal”

My response? Fuck off And I reported him and then blocked his ass. Who has that kind of money??!! I remembered to save his details this time, so I have his picture and his details this time. I wonder if the guy actually exists and lives in my home town like his profile says. I doubt it. I doubt it is the person with that picture. I wonder if it is some white slave thing to scam old white women or something. I’m almost tempted to turn it into the police but I don’t want to take the time. But it is like the third one I’ve received in the last month and this one has actually had a dollar amount listed in it. It’s kinda scary. I hate to think of other women my age getting taken in by that sort of scam. Who knows what might happen to them. Please ladies – do not let this be you!!

Where Do I Go From Here?

That is the big question, isn’t it? Where do I go from here? I am sick of the weirdos on POF and the scammers and the liars, and the cheaters and the chickenshits who are too afraid to actually get out there and date or who are actually married, so they really can’t date or who are actually married and tell you that, so you wouldn’t date them anyway. And Match.com seems to be full of guys who are too full of themselves to actually want to date someone like me who is just a normal woman, not someone who is trying to act like she is still 43 instead of 63. No, I’m not into hiking and biking, and running, and skiing, and trekking in Tibet for gawd’s sake. I’m older and wiser now and I’ve had my fill of that stuff and want to live life at a slower and more comfortable pace. I thought about using an app like Tinder because at least the men on there are supposed to be ready to meet up with someone and that is what I want, but it is also supposed to be all about hooking up and I do want more than that and that could be very dangerous for a gal my age. Or a gal at any age. So, what do I try next??? Guess I still need to do some research. And still do some more licking of my wounds.

• 

After nearly two months of invested time with this dude who lived two and a half hours drive away (or so he told me over the internet dating website we chatted over almost every day), once again, I have been totally and thoroughly ghosted. Were there red flags along the way? Definitely. First, he refused to share his phone number with me. I swear he told me he had a flip phone for personal use at one time, but later it became that he only had an Iphone from work and he wasn’t allowed to give that out except to family members. Yet when I offered to give my number to him when he was grieving over the loss of a niece and would be away for a funeral, he gladly took it. And if he had called, wouldn’t I then have had that number? Yes, but, he never called.

Then, I repeatedly asked for a photo that showed his entire body, as the only photo he had for a long time showed just his head and a bit of his shoulders and he was also wearing a stupid cap. Why do so many men insist on wearing caps for these photos? What are they trying to hide? A receding hairline? Baldness? Don’t you think we are going to see this if we meet you in person? Just be honest! I have photos on my profile that show my body on purpose. While I try to show myself to my best advantage, I want anyone who is thinking of dating me to know I am a full-figured woman with plenty of curves. If that is what you like, then you know that up front. He thought that describing himself was good enough. Nope, I want to see what you look like. What are you trying to hide? What are you so scared of showing me? Won’t I see that in person? Yet he asked me what the big deal was. In other words, when I asked for something he didn’t feel like giving, my feelings were disregarded as unimportant or they were minimalized – not a good sign. Yet, I thought we were getting past that, as during our last communication, he asked what kind of full body shot I wanted and I said just wear whatever you’re most comfortable in, like jeans and what ever shirt you normally wear. I wasn’t asking him to wear a suit or get dressed up or anything!

Then, all of a sudden, both the pictures he had posted disappeared. WTH?? I’m thinking, maybe he just took them down while he is getting ready to post the new full body shot, although I can’t see why.

During this picture discussion, we finally decided to meet for the first time. I had actually pushed for it because I decided it was way past time to move this along since I couldn’t get the guy to talk on the phone. He claimed that he worked for the railroad and that due to a lack of personnel, he was working a lot of overtime, on the night shift, working weekends, and hadn’t had a day off other than for bereavement. And he had to get preapproved for any time off. Weekends were hard to get off because others had already requested those. I was actually going to be having time off in the middle of the week, due to some work I had to do, so he was supposedly putting in for that time off. But getting any answers out of him about when he might come and how long he would stay or that sort of thing was hard to get. He said that he would find out if his request was approved over the weekend, so I was waiting somewhat impatiently to hear. Well, that is when the photos on his website disappeared and the last thing I heard from him was “I have to get rolling xoxo”. His profile is still active, but I’ve only seen him on there once over the weekend and I sent a couple of messages when it said he was online and got no response. I’ve not seen him online since then and I’ve sent progressively pointed messages since then, with the last one ending in “Got to hell”. Still nothing.

Why Does This Keep Happening?

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I don’t usually like to talk to guys that live out of my area for that reason, because there is no way to check up on whether or not they are any of the things they say they are, especially when they give you no personal information about themselves like a phone number, last name, place of work, or anything beyond where they live. You are kept completely in the dark. And this guy was very close-mouthed about details. So, was he married and freaked out at the last minute about meeting me? Why else would he just decide not to follow through after nearly two months of talking to me almost every day? I just don’t get it. And maybe I never will. I just hope he reads my messages and gets something out of them about how not to treat someone the next time he dips his toe into the murky waters of internet dating.

I know I am sick to death of this sort of shit happening to me and I’m not sure what to do to keep it from happening. I’m too open and honest for my own good, for one thing. I’m working hard on setting boundaries, but my good will usually gets the better of me once I start to trust someone. And I often start trusting someone way before I should. One piece of advice I saw recently on a woman’s group was to not take ghosting personally but to just move on. I can agree to a certain extent, but when you have invested this much time in someone, it is hard not to feel jilted and hurt by their actions. I guess the lesson to learn here is that if they are not willing to talk on the phone and meet within a couple of weeks, then move on and shut them off first. I think that will be my next way of handling things in the future. Shit or get off the pot, as my grandma used to say.

What’s Next? Where Do I Go from Here?

I’ve been thinking about a couple of different options. I have been using Match.com and Plenty of Fish for quite a while with a few attempts at other dating apps such as Silver Singles and Zoosk. I’m thinking I might try Tinder because it is meant to be a site where the object is to meet someone in person right away and with someone in your area. That is, after all, what I want and can’t seem to get the guys I have been talking to in the last few months to do. I know it has a reputation for being a site for hookups only, but I have heard that people do find lasting relationships on it also. It might be worth a shot. At least I might get a few dates out of the deal. If I don’t like it, I can always quit. Another thing I might investigate is an actual dating service that is local and see how that works and how expensive it is. I have no idea if they have people in my age group looking for mates or not and the same goes for Tinder. But I am tired of the same old crap I am getting from the sites I am using, so it is time to try something new. If that doesn’t work out, then I will have to explore other avenues. I’m not giving up yet.

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When is it appropriate to exchange phone numbers in the process of online dating?

This is a biggie. And one I have regretted giving out too soon over and over and over again. To the point I have seriously been researching and thinking about getting a pay-as-you-go burner phone just for internet dating. That way, I have a phone that is not in anyway associated with my personal information and I can give it to some joker on the internet dating website without worrying about if he turns out to be a hacker that can get any of my personal data.

Use Hangouts Or Some Other Platform to Chat

But how do you know if that person is trustworthy or if it is safe to give out your phone number? One option I have used in the past is to use Hangouts on Google as a different platform to chat on if they say they want to get off of the dating website. It has more options for sending pictures, memes, songs, and even has a way that you can call each other, although I have never found anyone to try that option with and had it actually work. You can set up a gmail account that is totally sterile – one that is not linked to your personal information in any way. I have one that I use just for that purpose and so far it seems to be clean. It has kept the hackers from getting further, as far as I know. The ones who aren’t serious about a relationship seem to disappear, at any rate, when data is what they are after and they can’t get any.

Sometimes you get a feel for the person (or so you think!) and so you take a chance and say, why not? So you exchange phone numbers and you chat with that person and hope that it leads to – gasp! – a real date in person!! Or like I was saying last week, a dead end and for no discernible reason, you get ghosted and you are left scratching your head, wondering what just happened. And you have another phone number and name in your phone book that months later you will scroll by, and wonder, who is that? I have taken to writing notes about the person and the date I added them to my phone and a few small details about them to try and spark a memory. I leave them in my phone in case they ever try to contact me in the future. Because, believe it or not, it does happen. I had some guy text me the other day and, apparently, I had deleted him because I have no idea who it was, only that it was an in-state area code. White pages did not reveal who it was though, so, I am still in the dark as to his identity. I did not respond.

The person I am trying to date now is being very reluctant to divulge his phone number or to talk on the phone or exchange personal information or even provide a full-length picture of himself. He prefers to meet in person the first time and then see if we have a connection first before we proceed with giving out any of that kind of information. Apparently, he has been burned by doing so in the past. I can understand that, having also had bad experiences in the past, but I would kind of like to see what the whole of this person looks like before I meet him, and discuss the details of our meeting before we meet up as it would make it a bit easier. And a lot less stressful for me. But he is not getting that. I finally had to stop chatting earlier today because it was just getting to me and I wasn’t getting through to him how upset I was with his inability to see my side of things. After all, he could see my full-length pictures on the website and had been willing to take my phone number when I had offered it, but since he never used it, I still don’t have his number. Totally unfair and lopsided and I’m not happy with that.

Weigh In/Feedback Please

So, I’d like people to weigh in on where they stand on this issue. Is it okay to give out your phone number to people you are trying to date? Or would you prefer to just meet them cold turkey with just having a head shot and chatted to them online for a month or two?

I’d really appreciate feedback on the topic. It is a huge issue that I think a lot of women and maybe men, too, face with internet dating. The first hurdle. The second probably being, when do you have sex. Another topic for another day.

Definition of Being Ghosted

According to the Urban Dictionary, being ghosted is: “When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they’re dating, with zero warning or notice before hand. You’ll mostly see them avoiding friend’s phone calls, social media, and avoiding them in public.” Well, in internet dating, you might still just be in the chatting phase and have this happen to you. I have had this happen to me countless times. There are a few times in the recent past that I would like to tell you about that still have me scratching my head saying to myself – WTF????

Ghost #1

The most recent ones have happened in the last month. With one person, we talked over a week and things were moving right along. We chatted everyday, even talked on the phone a few times. He lived in my town, we had a lot in common, we seemed very compatible, he had the same goals as far as what he wanted in a relationship (long term, girlfriend/boyfriend, monogamous), he said he really liked me and I said I really liked him. So, me, being the impatient feminist I am, took it a step further and said I’m ready to take the next step and meet, are you? I waited eagerly for an hour for a response and got none. Then I added, “I guess not.” I never heard from him again. I waited a couple of weeks until I could take it no longer and finally sent a text message saying I was totally confused. I didn’t understand why he quit talking to me. If he wasn’t ready to meet, all he had to do was just say so. And still….nothing. I waited a few more days and then because I wasn’t certain if he had deleted my phone number or blocked me, I sent a message to his POF profile, just a silly message. No response. Then I sent another message stating that when he had been brave and put himself out there and first said he liked me, I responded in kind and said I liked him back. But when I put myself out there and said I wanted to meet, all I got was ghosted. Still nothing. Yet, the man has had the nerve to continue to like and view my profile on POF so he can look at my pictures and see when I am online. Yet doesn’t have the balls to talk to me anymore. Again, I say…WTF????

Ghost #2

Another guy that contacted me just never seemed to have the time to chat, or if he did, the times weren’t very convenient, like they were early morning while he was getting ready for work and I was still sleeping. That was, in fact, the only time we actually had a long (maybe an hour) chat exchanging questions and answers with each other. When I asked about talking after work, he later got back to me and said that he was so tired after work that he just came home and ate and slept. He runs his own business, and he also seemed like he worked most Saturdays. Just when did he think he had time to date? I again took the bull by the horns and asked him if he wanted to meet me for drinks after work one day and he said he would love to. Great! I thought. So, I proceeded to tell him my work schedule, thinking it would happen over the next few days or surely, within the next week. I suggested a couple of places we might meet. And I hear nothing. Bupkis. For like 2 weeks. Are you getting the picture yet of how I am feeling? But wait! There’s more! The guy has the guts to contact me again and asks for forgiveness and promises to make it up to me. Which he does not. He proceeds to send me a one line of text about every few days and that’s it. I get just about no answers to my questions about times we might chat that are more convenient to both of us and certainly there is no mention of a makeup date. And then a couple of days ago I get on POF and guess what?? His profile is no longer even on there! He’s disappeared without a trace and without a word to me! Chickenshit! He can’t even bother to tell me he doesn’t have time to date and can’t make it up to me and he’s sorry. No, he just takes his profile offline without another word to me. How lame is that??

Ghost #3?

Is it any wonder that I am a little gun shy right now? When anyone I am interested in and have been talking to regularly all of a sudden quits talking to me for no apparent reason, I begin to freak out and think of all the reasons I haven’t heard from them. The person I have been chatting with the most in the past few months has done this to me a couple of times over our acquaintance. The last time it happened a week or so ago, he had a family emergency and I accused him of ghosting me. He forgave me, saying I wasn’t to know what had happened and he would never do that to me anyway. Yet here it is a week or so later and it has been a couple of days since he has talked to me and he hasn’t been online and I worry that the same thing has happened or worse. Since before this happened we were talking about how much we wanted to get together and meet and see if we were compatible, I’m fairly sure I’m not being ghosted, but my past experiences (see above) say otherwise. How can I trust someone I’ve never met and in this case, never even talked to on the phone or face-timed or anything, but only chatted with online?

Why Does This Happen?

These are just a few recent examples of being ghosted by men on internet dating sites. I’m sure if I searched my memory banks of data, I’d find a lot more to tell you about, but I’m sure you get the picture by now. It seems that, rather than actually communicating what they are thinking or feeling or going through, these men (all men?) would rather just ignore you or ghost you or delete you or remove themselves from the website than explain themselves. It is so much easier. But it leaves me and all the other women like me, at a loss, scratching our heads, saying to ourselves, what the hell just happened? Or likely, too many women are apt to say, “what did I do wrong?” That answer to that question is – nothing! You did nothing wrong. I questioned myself about whether or not I was too aggressive in many cases or forward by asking these men out because women have been taught through the ages to wait for men to do that, but if we did, we’d still be waiting. I’ve been waiting for 2.5 years now and very few of them have had the guts. And you know the ones who have? Mostly, they just wanted to come over to MY HOUSE in order to get laid. Yep, you heard that right, they invited themselves over to my house with the sole intention of fucking me. They may have wanted a long term relationship to go along with that, but the short term goal was clear. Not all, but since Covid hit, it sure gave them a good excuse not to fork out money over a date.

Be Safe

After my last experience, I am done inviting someone I have never met into my home and I am here to advise you, not to do that either. It’s just not a safe option until you really trust the guy. You’re better off going to their place, where you can leave when you are ready. Or go to a hotel where you can call the front desk or 911 if you need to call for help, if sex is what is on your menu. But don’t invite them to your home. I thought I was a pretty good judge of character but I guess I wasn’t thinking too clearly the last time I did it and got involved with someone. Pay attention to the safety tips they give you on those dating websites. Insist on meeting the first few times in a public venue. If they are on the up and up, they will have no problem with that. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they act in public and they way they respond to your request for that kind of meeting. If they won’t, you know that they won’t respect your wishes in other ways. Stick to your boundaries. Make those boundaries before you meet someone and stick to them. Don’t let your hormones or their charms sway you away from your own safety guidelines. Get to know a fella before you agree to meet them. Chat with them online first, by all means, but then face-time them through messenger or by phone, if you feel confident giving them your phone number. I am seriously considering getting a burner phone just for internet dating if things don’t work out with the guy I am chatting seriously with now (if he ever gets back to me!). I am just not comfortable giving out my phone number knowing how easily my phone number is attached to all my other information and how easily you can get that information if you are willing to pay for it. And if you are a scammer, that monthly fee is just a part of your operating costs.

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COLOR ME COUGAR – RAWRRR

I had no idea until I started internet dating, that being my age was so fascinating to younger men in their 20s and 30s. As I have mentioned before, POF set a limit on the age range you can date at 14 years above and below your age for dating. So, me, at 63, should be limited to dating men from 49-77. Well, if you are say, 26, that limits you to only going after a woman who is 40 so women my age are off-limits on that site, so men who want to date older women lie about their age. Again, right off the bat, I get taken in by a Mexican cutie who claims he is 56 and lives in a town 35 miles away. In actuality? He is 26.

Now, you would think that I could tell from his pictures that he is not really 56, right? But I am naive enough to think that anyone on a dating site isn’t going to lie because what is the point? The object of being on a dating site is to talk to someone long enough to check them out and then eventually meet them in person, so why lie about something as obvious as your age? In his picture, he has a cap on and he has facial hair and glasses and the photo is not very close-up, so I just assume he is youthful looking.

After two weeks of heavy chatting, he realizes that I have still not cottoned on to the fact that he is, indeed, much younger than he says on his profile and we are getting closer and he needs to fess up. But he is afraid, because by this time he also realizes what type of person I am and that I am likely to not take the news very well. And he is right!! I explode and give him all kinds of hell for lying to me. He said that I was the first woman to not figure it out right away and he didn’t know what to do when I didn’t figure it out and he liked me a lot and just didn’t know how to tell me. He knew I was going to be angry no matter when he told me. He kept saying this phrase, which is one I have heard many times since, ” Age is just a number”. What a crock of shit that is!

Well, it’s been two and a half years and I am still friends with this person and I still don’t know why. I think we are co-dependent on each other. But on to other young cubs and why young men seem to be attracted to older women.

If you ask me, it is a passing fad. Or maybe a sign of our times. Are we raising young men who still need their mamas? Are they incapable of fending for themselves in this big bad world we have created? Do they need a sugar mama to take care of them?

I have asked guys who have contacted me why they want to date me. Well, truly, they don’t want to date me or have a relationship with me for the most part. The answers are mostly because they want to see what it is like to go to bed with an much older woman. Like my parts are going to be different or I will feel different or something? I’m just not sure what these guys are expecting. I warned one guy I chatted with that I am old and a bit fragile and since he was young and strong that he would have to be very careful not to hurt me. The answer was that he would promise to be gentle with me. Would he even know how? I wasn’t really interested in becoming a notch on his belt just so he could say he had made it with a 60+ year-old woman, so I politely declined. He laughed and took it gracefully, although he did keep trying for awhile.

I am not a small petite woman either. I am a woman with substantial curves and I have accepted myself the way I am. I am happy to say that one thing that internet dating has brought me is more confidence in myself as a sexual being. I have discovered that there are plenty of men out there that love my curves and appreciate them and that has made me very glad. And to discover that men of all ages are attracted to me has been very gratifying as well.

But so far? My dip into cougarland with much younger men has left me feeling unhappy and dissatisfied and I don’t think it is some place I care to revisit. Ten years younger is about as young as I care to go. Younger than that, men still tend to have children and I do not want to be anyone’s stepmother. Step-grandmother maybe. Even some of the men in their 50s still have children and I think that is why they are searching out women in their 60s with the mistaken idea that we might be willing to be surrogate mothers. Think again! We are ready to be free! We’re looking ahead to retirement and taking it easy, not raising another woman’s children.

SUGAR DADDIES

Recently, within the last week, I’ve had two offers from men who want to be my sugar daddy. I’m afraid I did not stick around long enough to find out what I would have to do to get taken care of but here is what one of their profiles had to say: Well if You were my sugar baby, I would give you weekly allowance and make sure you’re financially stable. I Love seeing people truly and sincerely happy. I like exploring and unboxing new stuffs lol, I’m a foodie, I travel a lot, fun to be with. How about you? I can’t see your likes, text me if you want a response. His tagline is: I enjoy taking care of loyal babies. For conversation starters it says: Tell me you’re a sugar baby and watch me change your life for the better and make life easy for you. I wish I could reach out of more people out here! Yet he is an unpaid member of POF, so just how rich is this guy anyway? How much can he afford to pay a sugar baby weekly and what does he expect for his weekly allowance? And why does he want to pay for it? He gives no location for himself, his pictures look photoshopped, and because I am 63, the man in the picture appears to be around my age with gray hair and beard and is handsome and of average build and height, age says 58 and height 6’1″. His alias is Johnson_daddy678. His message to me was: Hello gorgeous 🙂 are you a sugar baby? My response was not so nice as I told him I was not a f-ing whore and then I proceeded to report him to POF. As I said, this was the second one inside of a week that I received that was similar. I was so upset by the first one, I forgot to take photos of it and save it to my phone like I did this one. One thing about reporting and then blocking someone on POF or other media is that it wipes all conversations you have with that person and you can no longer see their profiles, so if you want proof of what went on between you, take snapshots of all the conversations and of their profile and save it to your phone.

EXCHANGING PHONE NUMBERS

When is it safe to exchange phone numbers with a potential date? I have yet to figure this one out. I have I don’t know how many phone numbers of men on my phone or guys I can barely remember in hangouts or other types of communication services. I have gotten to the point I am very leery of giving out my phone number to anyone. But it does get old talking forever on dating websites too. When do you feel like it is safe to give out that kind of personal information? To be safe, a person really should protect themselves by getting a phone number that you can give out that is strictly for use only for website dating that is somehow not tied to your personal information. I’m not sure how to do that and I need to find out. If I do, I will post that information. Let me tell you why I think this is important to do.

If a person is willing to pay for it, a lot of information can be accessed just with your phone number. Unless you are canny, your home address, past addresses, places of business, places you’ve worked for the past 10 years, family members, marital status, and more can be found out if a person if willing to pay. Good hackers can access that information without paying. And there are plenty of scammers and hackers on these websites. Who want your information to sell to others who aren’t going to use it in ways that you want it to be used.

Another reason to think twice about giving out your phone number is that you honestly don’t know about the person you are giving it out to because up until now, your dealings with them has been online and they can tell you whatever they want to. I know that most of these websites now come equipped with a way you can call each other through the website, but I have never utilized it or tried it, nor has anyone ever suggested using it that I was chatting with online. I don’t even know if it works for the free sites. One suggestion around this might be to ask if they have a Facebook or other social media account like that and do a face call through that like messenger. You can tell a lot about a person through that kind of interface and learn something about them through their posts on that website.

Because you don’t know who this person truly is, you don’t know if they have the potential to become harmful to you in the future. Even if you become involved with them, you don’t know for sure. And giving out your phone number or other personal information like your address is opening yourself up for potential harm. So, be very careful and selective about who you decide to share this information with and when.

THE MONSTERS ARE OUT THERE

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The reason I am telling you this is that one of those men I gave a phone number to and then let into my life, into my bed, and did something that everyone tells you not to do, but I did anyway, exchanged sexy pictures with (minus my face in the picture) has become a stalker and threatened me. I have to say, I never quite trusted him from the start, but I was lonely and horny, and I let my guard down. Nothing about this relationship was right from the start. The hours we could spend together were very weird, like very early mornings before he went to work on the days I didn’t have to get up early for my job and then he only stayed for maybe an hour or so. He only texted me while he was at work, rarely at night and almost never on the weekends, yet he claimed not to be married or living with a woman. His phone was a pay as you go and half the time he didn’t have money to keep it turned on. Yet he had 4 daughters and 3 baby mamas keeping him busy, so that didn’t make much sense that he could be without a phone or voicemail.

This relationship went on for a couple of months like this, and sometimes bordered on the bizarre and a bit abusive too and he always asked for pictures and things that I was not comfortable with either doing or providing. He would back off, but then ask again later. I always wondered what was driving it. He rarely talked about personal stuff, but occasionally would talk about his family. I caught him trying to sneak pictures, which I put a stop to. He made a comment several times about how lucky I was that he came to see me when I complained about the weird hours he came over and how little time he spent with me.

In fact, that was one of the last conversations we had when he left the last time I saw him and I didn’t hear from him for 3 weeks. I sent texts telling him he needed to explain that remark if he wanted to come back because I was tired of that attitude. When he finally contacted me, he said he had been too poor to keep his phone turned on. I said with that many kids, I didn’t really believe him, nor did I trust him. He said he missed me and wanted to see me. I finally sent him a text saying that the whole relationship had been at his convenience and was not healthy for me and that I was done with him. Then he got nasty. He threatened to post all the pictures he had taken of me on social media and tell my work places about my habits. I warned him not to threaten me. Then I blocked him on my phone because I didn’t want to hear from him anymore. What I didn’t realize was that you can still get and see their messages after you have blocked them. Once I figured that out, a week or so later, I went back and read them.

He had tried to get me to call him and when I ignored him, he said he was sorry, that I had always been nice to him and that he wouldn’t do that to me. I think he thought better of it, realizing I could get him into loads of trouble for threatening me. He swore that he deleted all the pictures he had of me and wouldn’t post them. He just wanted to see me again.

I realized that blocking him didn’t actually do me any good because then I wouldn’t know when he was trying to text or call me so I wouldn’t know what he was up to, so I unblocked him even though I had no intention of interacting with him. I would do nothing to encourage him. Because I was suddenly a bit afraid of him. He is 20 years younger than I am and I’m not all that stable on my feet or strong anymore and I live alone. And I had invited someone into my house that potentially wanted to harm me because I no longer wanted to see him.

Almost every weekend since, he has sent several texts or tried to call and left me a message saying he misses me and wants to see me. He has sent me pictures of himself, including the very last one, which was a dick pic. I’m serious!! That’s how crazy this guy is. First, he threatens me, then thinks that because he supposedly deleted all my pictures and apologized, he thinks that he can get back in my good graces and I will actually be stupid enough to let him back in my house. NOT!!

So the moral of this story is, ladies, be very careful who you give your phone number, address, details of your life to. I tend to overshare. It’s a bad habit. I’m not used to hiding myself or not being open and honest. I also have a tendency towards risky behavior, which is not a good mix in this day and age of internet dating. So be safe and sane and take my tale to heart.