Every time that I don’t have a new man or men on the dating sites to flirt with, I always seem to revert back to thinking about the one man in my life that I felt the happiest with during the past 5 years. But I question myself about why that is. The relationship, frankly, was a sexual one, and while that was the best sex I probably had ever had in my life, it wasn’t satisfying enough to keep the relationship going. I wanted more from this man than what he was willing to offer me. So, why am I still fixated on him after all this time? Why do I keep returning to thoughts of him even though it wasn’t a fulfilling relationship?
I have analyzed this relationship backwards and forwards, upside down and sideways, top to bottom. I always thought we had what in psychology terms is called a trauma bond. But I realize that I misunderstood the meaning of that term. I thought that because we had both experienced trauma from previous relationships with addicts, that we had bonded over that experience and had a connection over that. I just looked it up and the meaning is that a bond is formed between the abuser and the person being abused through the exploitation of an emotional connection. And maybe that is what happened here…but was it conscious or unconscious on his part? That is the big question. I truly hate to think he was that evil or conniving.
A person who is susceptible to trauma bonding is more likely to become addicted to whatever that person is offering (sex) because she is suffering from feelings of low self-esteem, depression, and powerlessness and maybe self-hatred (Schwartz & Masters, 1994). She becomes addicted to the high that she gets from the sex and attention she gets from the person during the time spent together. But then comes the let down after. And all those feelings of inadequacy come back. And I suddenly remember the times I have been told he doesn’t want a girlfriend, even though I get mixed signals from him and I am left feeling confused, wanting more.
Now, when I look at the seven stages above, I don’t think that I was completely trauma bonded. I wasn’t love bombed by him. He couldn’t be bothered to spend that much time on me. But I did get hooked on him pretty fast anyway. He never criticized or devalued me. The gaslighting, if it occurred, was pretty minimal. I guess I’d like to think he felt those things in the moment, but when confronted by them later, didn’t want to admit to those feelings. I do admit to some loss of self and feeling addicted to him. I wanted more. He would only give me a short amount of time every week if I was lucky and I wanted a lot more than that from him. He was able to put me in a box and say this is where you stay and I will take you out and play with you at this time and then back you go until next time. Meanwhile, I was over here wanting to take him out of the box and play all the time. I’m just not sure the trauma bonding that occurred was intentional on his part, but it happened just the same. I fought against it and I’m still fighting it.
So, then I wonder, was I gaslighted? Two months into the relationship, the guy tells me he loves me – oh not in a marriage sort of way – but in a we really connect sort of way. I find myself later staring into the bathroom mirror wondering what the hell just happened to Mr. I want this to just be casual? Four months later he becomes non-responsive and I flip out and break things off with him when he wants “me time” and this is all with no warning whatsoever. Things were fine one week and then no contact for several weeks with no explanation.
Who is more likely to be a victim of gaslighting? According to an article by Akdeniz & Cihan (p. 10, 2024), those who have a “history of emotional abuse, trauma, low self-esteem, and depression, ” will be likely to be exploited or manipulated. But if a person has good social support, it goes a long way towards helping the person get a better perspective on the situation and getting help.
Anyway to jump ahead, we got back together for another attempt a couple months later and it was the same push me pull you story with him feeding me lines that made me think there was more feeling on his side that maybe there was. I never responded in kind, because I was afraid to ask. What does that tell you? And if I did bring it up? “I don’t remember saying that; I’m sorry”. Like saying the “G” word during sex. No, I’m not looking for a girlfriend. Well what the hell am I to you? But again, I’m afraid to ask. Don’t rock the boat.
The more I write this out, the more I realize that my fears are realized and I was the victim of emotional abuse. The reason I broke it off twice was that I hated not having any control over when I saw this guy and had contact with him. He set the times we saw each other and it was always on his terms. When I tried to initiate contact, most of the time I got politely turned down and it really stung. The rest of the time, I was sitting around waiting for him to contact me and I hated that. It made me feel like an unpaid whore, only I got paid in plenty of pleasure. I was the addict, waiting to get my fix.
Again, was this conscious on his part? Did he know what he was doing the entire time? Was he really that big of an asshole? Was I really that naive? And the saddest part of the story is that I have continued to chase this man even though it has been several years and I still hope to run into him serendipitously one day, get my chance to talk to him and either get the closure I need, or the imaginary ending I want. OMFG!!! I am one sick puppy!! Just writing this out for you and for myself is making me realize that looking at that relationship as one of the best I’ve had in the past 5 years is pathetic and sad and makes me realize that I still have a lot of work to do on myself yet when it comes to relationships with men.
But at least I am aware now and can work harder to break that addiction and to break my horrible patterns. I have learned to speak up for myself better over the past few years and no longer put up with behavior that is controlling and manipulative – or at least I try not to. I’ve come a long way, Baby.
And another lesson is learned.
Akdeniz, B., & Cihan, H. (2024). Gaslighting and Interpersonal Relationships: Systematic Review /Gaslighting ve Kisilerarasi Iliskiler: Sistematik Derleme Calismasi. Psikiyatride Guncel Yaklasimlar/Current Approaches to Psychiatry, 16(1), 146+. https://link-gale-com.butlerlib.butlercc.edu/apps/doc/A777498727/AONE?u=klnb_bucc&sid=bookmark-AONE&xid=f70212da
Schwartz, M. F., & Masters, W. H. (1994). Integration of Trauma- Based, Cognitive, Behavioral, Systemic and Addiction Approaches for Treatment of Hypersexual Pair- Bonding Disorder. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 1(1), 57–76. https://doi.org/10.1080/10720169408400028
Internet Dating at 66 - A Woman's Perspective 