After nearly two months of invested time with this dude who lived two and a half hours drive away (or so he told me over the internet dating website we chatted over almost every day), once again, I have been totally and thoroughly ghosted. Were there red flags along the way? Definitely. First, he refused to share his phone number with me. I swear he told me he had a flip phone for personal use at one time, but later it became that he only had an Iphone from work and he wasn’t allowed to give that out except to family members. Yet when I offered to give my number to him when he was grieving over the loss of a niece and would be away for a funeral, he gladly took it. And if he had called, wouldn’t I then have had that number? Yes, but, he never called.
Then, I repeatedly asked for a photo that showed his entire body, as the only photo he had for a long time showed just his head and a bit of his shoulders and he was also wearing a stupid cap. Why do so many men insist on wearing caps for these photos? What are they trying to hide? A receding hairline? Baldness? Don’t you think we are going to see this if we meet you in person? Just be honest! I have photos on my profile that show my body on purpose. While I try to show myself to my best advantage, I want anyone who is thinking of dating me to know I am a full-figured woman with plenty of curves. If that is what you like, then you know that up front. He thought that describing himself was good enough. Nope, I want to see what you look like. What are you trying to hide? What are you so scared of showing me? Won’t I see that in person? Yet he asked me what the big deal was. In other words, when I asked for something he didn’t feel like giving, my feelings were disregarded as unimportant or they were minimalized – not a good sign. Yet, I thought we were getting past that, as during our last communication, he asked what kind of full body shot I wanted and I said just wear whatever you’re most comfortable in, like jeans and what ever shirt you normally wear. I wasn’t asking him to wear a suit or get dressed up or anything!
Then, all of a sudden, both the pictures he had posted disappeared. WTH?? I’m thinking, maybe he just took them down while he is getting ready to post the new full body shot, although I can’t see why.
During this picture discussion, we finally decided to meet for the first time. I had actually pushed for it because I decided it was way past time to move this along since I couldn’t get the guy to talk on the phone. He claimed that he worked for the railroad and that due to a lack of personnel, he was working a lot of overtime, on the night shift, working weekends, and hadn’t had a day off other than for bereavement. And he had to get preapproved for any time off. Weekends were hard to get off because others had already requested those. I was actually going to be having time off in the middle of the week, due to some work I had to do, so he was supposedly putting in for that time off. But getting any answers out of him about when he might come and how long he would stay or that sort of thing was hard to get. He said that he would find out if his request was approved over the weekend, so I was waiting somewhat impatiently to hear. Well, that is when the photos on his website disappeared and the last thing I heard from him was “I have to get rolling xoxo”. His profile is still active, but I’ve only seen him on there once over the weekend and I sent a couple of messages when it said he was online and got no response. I’ve not seen him online since then and I’ve sent progressively pointed messages since then, with the last one ending in “Got to hell”. Still nothing.
Why Does This Keep Happening?
I don’t usually like to talk to guys that live out of my area for that reason, because there is no way to check up on whether or not they are any of the things they say they are, especially when they give you no personal information about themselves like a phone number, last name, place of work, or anything beyond where they live. You are kept completely in the dark. And this guy was very close-mouthed about details. So, was he married and freaked out at the last minute about meeting me? Why else would he just decide not to follow through after nearly two months of talking to me almost every day? I just don’t get it. And maybe I never will. I just hope he reads my messages and gets something out of them about how not to treat someone the next time he dips his toe into the murky waters of internet dating.
I know I am sick to death of this sort of shit happening to me and I’m not sure what to do to keep it from happening. I’m too open and honest for my own good, for one thing. I’m working hard on setting boundaries, but my good will usually gets the better of me once I start to trust someone. And I often start trusting someone way before I should. One piece of advice I saw recently on a woman’s group was to not take ghosting personally but to just move on. I can agree to a certain extent, but when you have invested this much time in someone, it is hard not to feel jilted and hurt by their actions. I guess the lesson to learn here is that if they are not willing to talk on the phone and meet within a couple of weeks, then move on and shut them off first. I think that will be my next way of handling things in the future. Shit or get off the pot, as my grandma used to say.
What’s Next? Where Do I Go from Here?
I’ve been thinking about a couple of different options. I have been using Match.com and Plenty of Fish for quite a while with a few attempts at other dating apps such as Silver Singles and Zoosk. I’m thinking I might try Tinder because it is meant to be a site where the object is to meet someone in person right away and with someone in your area. That is, after all, what I want and can’t seem to get the guys I have been talking to in the last few months to do. I know it has a reputation for being a site for hookups only, but I have heard that people do find lasting relationships on it also. It might be worth a shot. At least I might get a few dates out of the deal. If I don’t like it, I can always quit. Another thing I might investigate is an actual dating service that is local and see how that works and how expensive it is. I have no idea if they have people in my age group looking for mates or not and the same goes for Tinder. But I am tired of the same old crap I am getting from the sites I am using, so it is time to try something new. If that doesn’t work out, then I will have to explore other avenues. I’m not giving up yet.
Internet Dating at 66 - A Woman's Perspective 